He is going to be 10…UGH!

So as the date creeps closer, I feel that feeling that I have felt only a few times since I became a mother.  The feeling that life is going to change and that my little boy is growing up.  I am not sure why the age of 10 matters so much to me.  Maybe it is because it marks the “double digits”?  Maybe it is because he is at the ½ way point towards being an independent? Maybe I should just face the reality that it also means that I am getting older too…

I was 29 when I had my son (some would consider that late in life).  I remember being so excited when he arrived and thinking “wow, he is all mine”. As he moves forward into the double digits, I am coming to grasp that he is no longer “all mine”.  He is now an individual who likes to spend time with friends, family, and alone playing video games, watching movies, and just doing “boy stuff”.  I find myself getting further and further away from the “he is all mine lifestyle”.

As a single mom, I struggle to understand the “boy” thought process.  So I decided to purchase a book to help in guiding me through the experiences.  It is always good to have a reference guide to parenting.  The book that I selected is called “It's a Boy!: Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18”. It is a great book because it provides examples and real life experiences described by a child psychologist. 

Last night, I found myself seeking out the “what to expect at 10”.  I must say even after taking 4 courses in regards to biology and sexuality, I was not prepared for the overwhelming list of “what to expect up to age 13”.  I actually thought hormones were left for women to use to justify “out of control” behaviors.  I now realize that boys have an overwhelming surge of hormones during the ages of 10-14 and I am so not ready to address them.

As I was digesting the literature that I just completed reading, I realized that I am not and cannot be the mom that I was determined to be in college.  The mom that said I will not reference body parts as anything other than their biological term. I realized that I cannot sit down and openly talk about “how babies are born” or “what is going to happen to their body”.  I realized that it is a lot harder to follow your vision then to have your vision.

I sat last night and contemplated how to manage the age of 10 and above.  I thought of passing the buck to one of my male friends.  I thought of buying a book and making him read it.  I thought of the easy way out….let him learn from friends.  But then I decided to make a list (because we all know I like lists).  I named it “when I am 10”.  I listed his chores, his rules, and most importantly the changes that he should expect. I then looked at the list and realized that it needed to include a letter…

The overall focus of the letter was to explain the list and why everything changes at 10.  I won’t go into all the details but I will share with you some of my opening comments.  I am sure everyone already knows by now the other gory details.  So, here is some of what I wrote:

Today marks your 10^th birthday and I want you to know that I love you will all my heart and have since the day I looked into your eyes and realized that you were “all mine”…..

I know that this is an exciting time for you and I want you to know that I am very proud of who you have become so far.  As you journey into your double digits, there are many things that will change.  All of these changes are normal and life experiences that will prepare you for your journey to manhood.  It may seem overwhelming and sometimes embarrassing.  You may even have moments when you “hate” me, but I will be OK in knowing that you will soon find that love again.  It will not be the same love that we share today, but it will be a love built from respect and appreciation…. 

I want you to know that I will be here every step of the way.. I may not have the answer, but I will help you in your search for it.  I may not understand what you are going through, but I will find someone who does … I may not “like” your behaviors, but please remember I will always “love” your “you”.  Good luck “little man” and enjoy life as you experience it!!!

So in Keeping it REAL, communication comes in many different ways.  If you can’t find the voice to bring it up through a verbal discussion, bring it up through a letter.  Both girls and boys need to understand the changes that they will be facing.  They need to know the facts.  They need to understand what is going to happen and why….  The letter and “list” is just the beginning.  I know that this will open up the doorway for him to ask more questions and express concerns about the many changes.  I hope that in time, we will be having those conversations that I envisioned in my college days.  The conversations that begin with “help” and end with “thank you”….  And to all those other single moms out there…GOOD LUCK…age 10 is just the beginning!

Quality...

Yesterday was my first day back to work after having been off for 11 days with my favorite little people.  I am so lucky that I had the opportunity to stay home during their entire winter break.  We truly bonded during the time off and I enjoyed organizing constant activities throughout.  As I ventured back to work, I felt both sad and excited to step back into the routine. 

As I drove in, I kept thinking about the week and how by Friday, I was ready to get back.  I felt a moment of guilt for wanting “work” time. I so many times have wished that I was a stay at home mom, but in that very moment; I realized that I couldn’t do it.  Is it wrong to feel this way?  Does this mean I am not the most “amazing” mom (from the mouth of my daughter)? Was it just that I am “solo” and tried to fit it all in over just 11 days?

I will never know the life of a “stay at home mom”.  I will never have the opportunity to see them on the bus or flag them in at 4PM to do homework and eat dinner.  I will always be a working mother, not by choice but by circumstance.  My children understand and seem to thrive in the environment that they are accustomed.  After spending 11 days together, I know that they appreciate our time and also appreciate the sacrifice that is made to provide the life that they live.

So what have I learned over the last 11 days?  I have learned that I can accomplish 5 play dates, 4 dozen cookies,  shopping, 2 family dinners, 2 father/family visits, visit to Monkey Joes, 2 basketball games/1 practice, 2 movies, and finally…a kid friendly New Years Eve party all in 11 days.  I have also learned a new appreciation for the “stay at home mom”.  By day 9, I yearned for adult conversation.  By day 10, I yearned for an uninterrupted shower. By day 11, I yearned for work.  

So in Keeping it REAL, I run circles around my “stay at home” mom friends when I am not at work but that is because I hear the timer ticking away the “free” time.  As we all could see, I crashed at day 9. My advice today….we are all different.  I am a working mother and will remain a working mother until my children are grown.  Make your decisions wisely; take into account your happiness and how that will reflect onto your children.  Happiness is not built around “quantity” of time; it is built around “quality” of time.  In those 11 days, I built more memories then some make in an entire year…..

A New Year.....

It has been a crazy roller coaster of a year.  I found myself anxiously awaiting 2012 and hoping for it to be “my year”.  I planned a fun “kid friendly” New Years Eve event.   I baked cookies, made dips, bought crackers and cheese, and complimented it with 3 bottles of sparkling Grape Juice. It was a planned exit of a year of many obstacles and changes…  It was an opportunity to make a wish for a better year.

As I sat with friends watching the children blow obnoxious horns while running around the house, I had a moment of reflection.  I realized that it wasn’t a year of total loss.  I realized it was exactly the year that I needed.  It was a year of building their confidence in a new family dynamic.  It was a year of gaining good friends and losing those that weren’t strong enough to hold on.  It was an emotional year that has brought us all to New Years Eve surrounded by friends, child laughter, and an eagerness of what is in store for us in 2012. But it wasn’t until the last hour, that I realized how valuable this year has been..  It wasn’t until my analytical “little man” spoke up on his wish for 2012.

As we sat in bed talking of the fun night (my daughter fast asleep way before 12am), my son looks at me and says those amazing words.  “Mom, I love you”.  I looked at him and smiled and the look on my face showed that I wanted to hear more.  He took that moment to tell me how special our vacation together has been.  He thanked me for the scheduled play dates, the cool microphone…and then he brought me to tears.  He thanked me for allowing his father and family to come to our house for a Christmas visit.  He rambled on about how hard it must have been for me and that he loved me so much for making such a sacrifice.  I smiled and reminded him that I would do anything for a smile from my two favorite people and that sometimes you have to put the hurt aside and focus on what is right.  He then said he has a “wish” for me.  He wished that I would find someone that loves me as much as he does...I, of course; responded with “that is impossible”. 

That night brought back a reminder about how far I have come.  I may not be strong, but I am no longer weak.  I may not be confident but I no longer display constant self doubt.  I may not have found my soul mate, but I have found me…  And that shows success baby step style in 2011.

So in Keeping it REAL, a wise preacher once said “you can only truly heal when you have forgiven”.  I may not have found forgiveness quite yet, but I have found the determination to do what is right.  If you are divorced or separated, take the time to work towards forgiveness.  As you take those baby steps towards healing..you will show your children that life is not always about fighting, getting even, or staying apart.  You will show them that even in the most challenging of times, we are all capable of doing what is right. As for me, I am going into 2012 with only one simple wish.  A wish for strength and encouragement, so that I can teach my son to always look ahead, to always dream, and to be the best person a woman could ever “wish” for.  Happy New Years!

Baking Cookies.....

I have to admit, this year’s holiday mood is becoming contagious in this house.  I truly feel that my year is going to end on a great new adventure and it starts with baking cookies……

As I sat watching my television last night, I found myself thinking of the Christmas cookies that my grandmother made each year.  I remember her standard stash and each year the same types decorated the desert table.  I realized that all of that stopped when she passed away and that the past three years just stumbled by with store bought cookies, cakes, and pies. 

I remember watching her as she gathered the ingredients and made the perfect size cookies (small).  I remember my son watching anxiously; as a toddler, as the cookies cooled on the rack.  I remembered a tradition that had almost been forgotten.

I am not sure what sparked my sudden desire to bring it back into our new family traditions.  Maybe it was the excitement in my daughters face as we made “pumpkin whoopies” for my bestie.  Maybe it was my desire to bring back the joy that I feel has been void over the last two years…or maybe it was just that craving for a bite of a cookie like “Nana” use to make.

I found myself late last night pulling out the recipe book of “Nana’s favorites”.  I found myself making a list and smiling as I thought of the fun it will be to make them with the children.  Once again, I found myself opening a new chapter and moving forward in confidence.

So my thought for this week, there are some things worth holding onto.  As I have gotten past the challenges of an unsuccessful marriage, I realize that although I am moving forward…  Sometimes when you look back, you see only the good memories.  I am FINALLY at that point.  This year, we are having Christmas “old” style.  The ham will be baked, the bread will be hot, and the cookies will be made by the hands of three generations and the memory of one. 

So in Keeping it REAL, live each day full of good memories from the past and new visions for the future.  When you truly get to the point of only holding onto those that were good….you will find peace in today and confidence in tomorrow.  Now, go bake some cookies!!!!