I think I might have hit a dead end….

Ok, so I have now been on match.com since January.  As I have said in previous posts, I have met a number of interesting people.  I have really enjoyed the conversations and I have to admit..It brings you back to life to realize that there are people interested in you.  The only issue has always been in regards to how serious I was in finding someone and if I would ever have the courage to meet any of them in person. 

Well, it took me 2 months to finally agree to a “meeting” and then after the first time..It got easier!  It was new, exciting, and totally nerve racking each time.  I will say I TOTALLY recommend it to anyone that is divorced or having trouble getting out there.  However, as I stated before; it is not a place to find “Mr. Right”.  I have yet to meet someone who found that someone special on this site.  I have talked to people that have used other sites and due to extensive testing etc…found their lifelong soul mate.  This site pretty much has you write a paragraph about yourself and then post a few pictures.  So basically, you are going on “looks”.  You wink, you chat, and you move on…  That is the story of online dating!

So here I am at the end of month 4 and I am finding myself bored with the entire process.  I go on the site, scan through the same faces…and log out.  I sometimes will ponder and look at those that I have already met and laugh to myself.    Boy, did they lie in their BIO. … 

So tonight, I am sitting here pondering on what is next.  Do I go back to bar hopping, do I try another site, or do I take a break?  Believe it or not, I am leaning towards a break.  After all, scanning, winking, meeting, following up…is EXHAUSTING!

I have come a long way in the last few months.  I have become confident in myself and have found that there are men out there that find me interesting (poor fools).  However, I realize that I am not ready for the drama of:  is he going to call me again, how do I tell him I don’t ever want to go out again, and which one was he again…  It was fun while it lasted, but let’s Keep it REAL here.. Right?

So in closing my match.com account, my lesson for all my single ladies out there:

 If the bio says looking for my soul mate.  What he really means is “looking for my soul mate..tonight”.

 If the bio says: Loves to social drink.  What it really means is “he will drink too much when you go out”.

If the bio says: He is separated.  What it really means is “he wants to test the waters before he goes back to his wife”

If the bio says:  I am looking for a woman with a traditional relationship in mind.  What it really means is “he wants to be an old school sneaky cheater”

If the bio says: I like to snuggle up at home.  What it really means is “he doesn’t want you to stay the night”

And the BEST ONE YET:  If he posts a picture of his kids on this crazy dating site.  What it really means is that he only has one positive thing in his life…and his ex wife is raising them!!!

And my final note:  It is the weekend…What are you all doing sitting around reading my blog??  I hope everyone has a fun filled weekend and remember… “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…there has to be a fun place somewhere up ahead”

Does Everyone Reflect or Is It Just me?

I often wonder if everyone analyzes situations as much as me.  I am not sure they do but I can’t comprehend that there are people out there that don’t “reflect” on a situation or experience that has occurred.  I often find myself in situations where I react before stopping to think.  I then find myself settling down and wishing I had not reacted in the manner that I did.  Am I the only one that does this?  Is it just women that reflect or are there some women that don’t?

I tend to blame most of my behaviors on my heritage.  I am half Italian and half Irish and I believe both have an interesting temper associated with them.  I can only imagine how adding German will affect my children and the way they react to things in life.  I already see it brewing in both of them.

So here is my dilemma, I find myself being very selfish lately.  Maybe it is because I was so unselfish and a provider for so many years during my marriage.  I am not sure when has changed, but it seems like I am in a place where “no” is not an answer that I can handle.  I react quickly and then regret my actions/decisions once I reflect on the situation. One good friend even got to a point of reacting to things that I am venting about with “keep your mouth shut”.  HA HA…  I guess I should have asked him before I reacted to this situation.

So here is what happened… I had plans to meet a friend for social time.  At the last minute, they realized that they needed to take an online course before the end of the month.  My thoughts “couldn’t you have told me that earlier”.  I guess with my current situation, I find that my time is valuable and to make arrangements for my children is always a challenge.  The decision not to go out didn’t come into play until the last minute.  This person even asked me “what would you do if you were me”.  My response was “I wouldn’t have waited until the last minute”.  I guess that is where I started becoming agitated and then the ups and downs began to occur.  As the texting went on and on and I finally got a response of “raincheck”, I was beyond disturbed.  I instantly reacted with a nasty note and an implied response that I was writing this person off.  Now why did I do that?  Was it because I wanted them to come back and apologize?  Did I want them to beg for me to not go away?  Again, was I looking for a fight to keep the friendship alive?  I still don’t fully understand my thought process…but I might have a little insight of what I was thinking…

I think I am still searching for that person that will “fight” for what I have to offer.  Not physically…don’t need that drama!  But someone, who realizes that they can’t live without my friendship.  I know my Bestie would..but sorry Bestie…looking for a little more!  Ha Ha  It is a childish game and I definitely want out of this behavior but I am not quite sure how to stop it.  Is it me testing everyone that I am surrounded by?  I am not quite sure, but I definitely find myself searching out and being with those that would not.  Is it the challenge of trying to get to that point or do I really not want the companionship that I claim to be seeking?     

I guess at this point, you were wondering what my lesson of the day is and what I learned from this?  I am not sure there is a lesson.  I could say “Keep my mouth shut”.  I could say “stop chasing rainbows”. I also could say “Stop searching out the challenges”.  However, today I am just going to sit here and miss a friend that I will not chase because of my “ego”.  I will reflect and wonder if the friendship was worth it.  I will wonder if our paths will cross again and the friendship will be revived.  I will wonder what they are thinking.  I will wonder if they will “reflect” and miss me.  So in Keeping it REAL, my only lesson for today is to stop “wondering”.  Happy Friday and to my Bestie…see you on the front porch so we can “release” all our weekly dilemmas and MOVE on…

A Night of Entertainment

So I have to say last night was the craziest night that I have experienced in awhile.  After I finished work, I went to meet my friends for hot wings.  Our table soon became crowded with the group that I would call “Divorced and ready to move one”.  I met some very nice people and find the conversations to be the funniest ones yet!

As many may know, I am a people watcher.  I tend to sit back and just observe (until I get comfortable).  Then it happened…  A friend of a friend, stopped by the table and started chatting (for reference point, let’s just name him “Bud”) He began having conversations and then just looked over and said “who are you”.  I was a little shocked. I quietly said my name and found within minutes, he was sitting next to me.  He instantly began questioning why I was so quiet and what was up with me.  I just said I was just taking it all in and enjoying my time. 

As always when you are hanging out with divorcees, the conversation of “bedroom activity” came up.  Of course, it always goes to the “lack thereof” conversation.   I honestly don’t feel bad for many of these men because I believe the “no” usually comes more frequently from the man.  (Maybe it is just me but my surveys shows this to be true)  The conversation led to what women like versus men.  I, of course; pulled out my learning lesson from a girls night and emphasized…”men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots”.  They all looked at me like “what??”  I then proceeded to explain what I had learned.  The bottom line…Men need to slow down and women need to speed up to a happy middle (maybe a stove?) At this point, I realized that I may have taken the conversation to a level of discomfort for me.   “Bud” decided to pipe up and share his lessons learned from his dad… 

I really don’t remember the first lesson, but the second one sent me in a state of shock. He said “my dad always told me to pick a woman with small hands; it will make your “junk” look bigger”.  He then said “I noticed how incredibly small your hands are”.  Now let me say that I do have extremely small hands.  Matter of fact, I have to buy kids gloves because adult gloves are too big.  I was a little shocked  Everyone at the table laughed and I proceeded to take mental note of reason #1 for his failed married life (in bed). 

I soon got the full detailed picture of his marriage, his children, and his decision after 17 years to get a divorce.  I do find him to be in the dangerous zone because he still lives with his ex wife…so as I have learned in the past..STAY CLEAR.  Ha!  He seems nice enough and I am sure we will remain social since he too is a regular divorcee at the weekly “hump day” events. 

As we continued the conversations, I began to “zone” again and start people watching.  I am always amazed at the different ways people dress to go “bar hopping”.  I, of course; wear my typical jeans and T-shirt.  I don’t think I will ever fully understand why people dress up to go out and social.  I am a firm believer in being who you are and not putting on a show.  That is when I spotted this girl walking into the bar.  I am guessing she was in her twenties..very cute..wearing jeans and a Tshirt.  I thought “Finally!” someone has arrived dressed like me!  Then I took a closer look at her T-shirt and broke out into complete laughter!  Her shirt said “Love Sucks…True Love Swallows”.  I thought “Wow”, I am not sure I could have walked into a bar wearing that but she DID!  I was so intrigued by her confidence that I chatted with her for a few and took a picture of her shirt for reference.  She was great!

“Bud” was laughing hysterically and snapped a picture to send to all his friends.  I found myself becoming the “advice line” and couldn’t help myself!  I told him..A successful marriage consists of never saying “no”.  He looked at me like that was foreign and I totally agree..It is to me too!  But the perfect relationships that I reflect on…both parties never say “no”..whether it is a request for “bed activity” or a request to do something fun outside of the marriage.  The answer is always “it is up to you…whatever you want to do is fine with me”.  (I guess I need to quote my Bestie on this one).   

So in Keeping it REAL, the true challenge in life is finding that person that you can accept for who they are… You should never settle for someone that does not have the same values, interests, and/or faith that you do.  My hardest obstacle in life has been my “need” to fix people.  My new lesson in life is that many don’t need to be fixed. They are just not the right person for me but someone else may find their “issues” to be positive “traits”.  So for all those out there in a “new” relationship, my life lesson to you..Don’t try to change them and take your time…  There really is a perfect match for everyone, you just have to keep looking and don’t settle for the “fixable”.  They aren’t worth the effort and in the long run, you will find that they are still just as broken (to you) as they were the day you met them… And for all my VA friends…BUILD A BOAT because it looks like the water is going to rise!

The Difference between being a Mother and being a Friend….

Last night was another sleepless night.  I constantly battle the method of discipline (or lack thereof) in my home.  I don’t want to “bully” my kids but I also realize there comes a time when you have to be a parent and last night was one of them.

I got home in time to hear the kids frantically asking to go outside to the neighbor’s house. I quickly ate and off we went.  What I didn’t expect was what came next.  My neighbors have a family of rabbits and I am always concerned that my son will have an asthma attack from the hay etc.  I quietly said “please don’t go in there, I don’t want you to be exposed to any more allergens”.  He didn’t hear me but his sister did. She went in saying “get out of there”. The next thing I know they are both punching and hitting each other.  I stop the fight and say “get to the house”.  Now we all know that kids of divorce like to pull out the trump card every once in awhile and they BOTH decided to do it on the way home.  My daughter says “I hate living here with you” and my son says “you are the worst mother ever”.  I say nothing..  We get in the house and I start their baths.  As they are getting clean, I walk into each bathroom and let them know what they are losing…  YUP, I finally did it!  I took away the activities they were so looking forward too.  When they were done bathing, I sent them both to bed at 6:30.  They went with a few tears but they were speechless.

Now, why is this not normal practice in my home?  I have spent the last year trying to brush things off because of the guilt I have had over the divorce.  All of my friends keep reminding me..”You are their mother not their friend”.  I have ignored the hitting and outbursts and chalked them up as reactions to the change in their surroundings.  However, last night I realized that I needed to take control.  I realized that for their sake, I needed to be “mom” and not “friend”. 

It was a hard lesson for all of us.  I paced the floor all night questioning if my approach was a good one.  Should I have had a longer discussion with them before they went to bed?  Could I have handled it differently?  Was I too hard on them?  I finally fell asleep at 3AM! 

This morning when they got up for school, I realized that I handled it perfectly!  My son got up first and said “I don’t want to ever go to bed at 6AM again”. I reinforced with…learn from this and it may never happen again.  My daughter woke up saying “I am sorry and that she would try harder”….  I hugged them both and had the conversation with them about why it happened, what they need to do to earn back their privileges, and finally that I love them!   I now know that I am doing the right thing!  I am hurting them more by not setting ground rules.  It is not about them fearing me..it is about them respecting me!

So in Keeping it REAL, it is hard to draw the line between mother and friend…but you MUST do it!  You must be a mother and NOT a friend.  It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with them, but they must always know that you are the responsible one and the decision maker.  I am sure there will be many more instances..I must just stay STRONG and CONSISTENT…  After all, I want the best for them.  They just don’t realize yet that being the best comes from having a good parent…  Happy Tuesday and Hope today is better than yesterday!!!

The Last Holiday....

After the crazy week, my nerves finally settled down and I prepared for a fun filled (won’t think about it) weekend.  This Easter holiday marked a turning point that many would see as small..but for me it was quite big!  It is the final “first” holiday for me and the children.  The single life holidays have been filled with my family and total child focus and I loved every minute of it.  This holiday was no different.

My daughter set the table while my son socialized (to an exhausting level) with everyone in the house. I am not sure if his behaviors were a result of too much chocolate or he was just excited to see his Aunt, Uncle, and Grandmother at the house all at the same time.  Either way, I think both children enjoyed the “holiday”…Easter Bunny and ALL! 

Dinner was a success!  I think everyone enjoyed the meal and we soon found ourselves sitting around watching the 2^nd thunderstorm of the weekend.  Once the storm was over, I headed to my besties house to give her a Bday gift (I just couldn’t wait until Monday)!  We relaxed on her front porch and chatted about how the “firsts” are all DONE. 

I am relieved in some ways that I survived and in others I am shocked.  I really didn’t think I would enjoy single living so much!  However, I have found that I do!  The children are adapting, the family is coming around again, and my friends are just a car “skip” away.  Life is good and just keeps getting better!

So now that my “firsts” are past me!  I, as always; have my advice.. In Keeping it REAL,  it is better to be from a broken home, then live in one!  I now realize that the counselors were RIGHT!  My kids are happier than they were 1.5 years ago!  They are not worried about “screaming”, “alcohol”, or “missing parents”.  They are now focused on what to sing in the Talent Show and who to have over for the next play date!  Although life has/will have its ups and downs, I feel safe in saying “they have their safe place…and it is in my arms in our home”…  Happy Monday and Happy Happy Birthday to “Bestie….I couldn’t have made it this far without you!!!

Just when you think life is getting easier…….

So if you saw my post yesterday, you can only imagine the impact of the aftershock.  I sat and pondered on what the outcome would be and I should have guessed that he wouldn’t be honest (at first).  My son finally decided to answer the 20^th call from his dad. I held his hand as I encouraged him to be honest about his feelings.  I will say it was hard, but he did a fabulous job!  He was so worried that his dad would get mad or upset.  The big killer though…  His dad lied!  That’s right!  He claimed he knew nothing about what was posted in FB and that he wasn’t in a relationship.  At this point, I saw the disappointment in my son’s face.  I literally felt it too.  My chest started aching and if I didn’t know better I could have mistaken the pain of anxiety as a heart attack. 

As my son hung up the phone, I sat for one minute.  I asked him what he thought.  He said “Dad lied to me”.  I felt the rush of pain in my chest and my hands began to shake. I told him that I was sorry and that we would work it out somehow.   So what did I do?

I told him I loved him and that I had to go get my bestie some medicine and drop it off at her house.  (on a side note: I sure hope she is feeling better today)  I kissed both of the kids and told my mother I had to go out.  Now, in the past; I probably would have ran to my besties and vented until the pain went away.  NOT THIS TIME!  I grabbed my cell phone and went for a drive.  I couldn’t let this one go!  I dialed up their father and let it rip.  Let me say that most arguments with his father would go on and on because he would always be determined to be seen as “making sense”. Of course, his first response was “I can’t believe I don’t live there and still have to take this crap”.  In a nutshell, I covered the following (with a few dirties thrown in):

                My job is to protect and raise my children in a safe and honest way

                Your son has been destroyed enough by your lies and I won’t allow it

No more FB for our son.  Obviously, it is not a good communication method for him to interact with family

You need to man UP and be honest with him

Of course, he denied the relationship and made up more lies as he went.  The funny part was that it was all there to contradict him on FB.  I had a response to everything.  In my final moments of the conversation, I told him that when he called at 8PM, if he wasn’t’ honest; I would cut communication until he could be! I told him that I was happy for him and could care less who he dates, but he will not subject our children to his childish games.

I hung up the phone took a DEEP breath and my chest pain was gone!  I realize now that I can’t shelter them from life’s hardships, but I sure as heck can stand up for them when they are too weak to do it!  I drove back home, hugged the kids, and sat down to watch the “Yogi Bear” the movie…

As I sat in bed thinking, I realized that l am strong and getting stronger every day.  I can’t give up and I can’t back down because my children’s future is that valuable.  I don’t want them to look back on marriage, relationships, and socials as a bad thing.  I want them to learn from it and move forward knowing that “they control their behaviors and it starts with honesty”. I know that my life is going to constantly have its ups and downs, but at least I have control of the outcome. 

So in Keeping it REAL, life is like a walk in a garden of roses..  In order to get to the rose, you must handle some thorns every now and then..   I have not yet reached the rose, but I can smell it!  HUGS and LOVE TO ALL…..  Happy Hump Day!   

"The more we shelter children from every disappointment, the more devastating future disappointments will be."...

So last night was a first of many disappointments for my oldest child.  I struggled with wanting to hide him from the many pitfalls of life, but this one was unavoidable.  It seems like it is so much easier to just hide the challenges, then to allow your child to face them.  I found yesterday to be a very difficult day and it burned my soul terribly to see my son “ponder” on what life had in store for him.  Once again, I thank my bestie and my mom for reminding me that life is hard and to shelter now will make it more difficult for both of them in the future. 

So as many of you know, I am a FB junky. I love keeping up with my friends both old and new. I mostly enjoy those that make me laugh by posting the silliest of comments from when they have a poop break to how many times they have contracted lice in their home.  It is great to see that we all struggle and survive the day to day obstacle (or behaviors in the case of the poops).  About a year ago, I decided to allow my son to have a FB site.  I am in total control of who he accepts as a friend and I monitor his activities on a daily basis.  My reasoning for giving him this was so that he could interact with his father and his father’s family.  What I didn’t expect was that his father would change his relationship status and display who he was in a relationship with before having a conversation with his son.  I guess I should have expected it since he hasn’t shown much maturity throughout our marriage..why would I expect him to have any now. Right? 

My son reviewed what he saw and said “Well, I figured dad had a girlfriend the entire time”. He then said “I just wish he told me instead of me reading it”.  It is sad that a 9 year old can see the common sense in that but the adult can’t.  I then had to explain to both of my children that they will never get a new mom and that they will never have to spend time with their father’s girlfriends….  Although they both went to bed and struggled to sleep due to nightmares and falling out of the bed… I am hoping that by today, they will be refreshed and ready to face the situation..

Now for the dilemma, I confronted their father and he is playing ignorant.  He says he is not in a relationship and he doesn’t know what FB says.  So I guess, I will be reminding my children; once again, that daddy doesn’t always say the truth.  I should feel sorry for the woman involved..but better her problem then mine..Right?  So another adventure to come…..

As for my point….  In Keeping it REAL, you can’t shelter your children.  Allow them to live “real life” but make sure you communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.  Ask them how they feel and remind them that it doesn’t change who they are..  Keep them talking and in time, they will heal.  As for my FB family that checked on me yesterday. I am a survivor!  I am happy being single and I am finally feeling secure in “me”.  No worries..I too will stop feeling the chest pain and be relieved that he is someone else’s problem.  And remember..be careful what you post on FB…  You never know who might see it and you never know who you might hurt in the process…..  Happy Tuesday and Hugs to my bestie that she gets over the sickies….