One Day at a Time…..

So this weekend was FULL of yard work and outside cleaning. I definitely feel as though I should have exercised over the winter months because even my hands ache from pushing my very OLD lawn mower.  I will say; overall, the kids behaved and played in the yard with the neighborhood children while I struggled to cut the grass that had grown into a jungle. 

By Saturday, I was ready for a night to myself.  My sister loves having my children, so we packed and off they went for a night of “spoiling” at their Aunts house.  The drop off was easy (since they love it there) and I was off and running to get home to clean the litter box, guinea pig cage, and lizard habitat.  That’s right!  I have too many creatures living under my roof.  I guess it was my way of satisfying my desire for a large family.  My plan was to get all my chores done and then head into town to meet a friend to listen to a band for a few hours. 

After the torrential down pours and tornado warnings, I found it to be time to head in and have some adult social time.  I was a little nervous because I hate walking into a bar alone, but I was relieved to find him waiting outside.  What a great friend! 

We head into the overcrowded bar and grabbed a seat.   He offers to get me a drink and I make my selection and he makes his way to the bar to get it for me.  As I am sitting at the table chatting with his friend, I ask the typical conversation opener “So, how do you now my friend”.  She looks at me very calmly and says “my boyfriend is his AA sponsor”.  I must have given the look because she instantly says “oh wow, you didn’t know”.   My head starts spinning and all I can think is “Oh my gosh, I just sent him off to the bar to get me a glass of something..”. I am glad it took awhile for his return because a million thoughts went through my head in those five minutes. I felt very overwhelmed and had no idea how I was going to handle this situation.  I looked around the table and realized that I was surrounded by people drinking lemonade and water.  Oh JEEZ! 

He soon came back to the table and the conversation started up.  Luckily, he decided to tell me about his situation within the first 10 minutes of the conversation.  He reassured me that my glass of something, did not have any impact on him and he was fine.  He felt that since his drinking was done mostly at home that the bar scene did not impact his ability to stay sober.  After that was out in the open, we talked about work, kids, and his separation. YUP, there are lots of us jumping off the marriage wagon these days.    I only had one glass of something and reverted to my old faithful (cranberry and seltzer water).

Now, I am sure you are wondering why this kept me up that night.  I have referenced on many occasions that I have bad memories and an emotionally distressing marriage.  My ex husband was and is an alcoholic.  I cannot say that it is the only reason our marriage failed, but I can say that I was willing to work out our issues if he was to quit.  I struggled for many years feeling as though the children and I were not placed higher in his priorities.  I knew that when a choice was given, he would either sneak alcohol or choose it over us.  It took SEVERAL counseling sessions and a few smacks from my bestie to realize that it was not me or the kids that could change him.  He needed to see the issue, face the issue, and then get rid of the issue.  He never did.   My friend was in the same boat and continues to fight the battle.  The only difference is “he is winning the battle” (or so he says). 

Now for my guilt…  I felt myself pulling away and feeling like I really couldn’t go through this with anyone again (not even a friend).  I always felt that I was an enabler because I was never strong enough to say “ENOUGH”.  I would cover up for him, turn a cheek to his usage, and just live in silence while he drowned in his own addiction.  As we walked to my car that night, he confirmed that he was aware that that might have been the situation that I lived in.  I said “yes” and confirmed his curiosity.  He then said “I hope you will still be my friend”.  I said “yes”.  But on the drive home, it came over me.  My mind began putting it all together… Now my thoughts… is he sneaking alcohol, why was he in a bar if he has an issue, why does he live where there are bars just downstairs from his apartment, why didn’t he tell me before we met…  YUP, I was putting all my insecurities from my ex on this poor man. He was failing in my mind without even being given the opportunity.   After all, most alcoholics fail at least 7 times before resolving to never touch it again.  Right?

I talked through my thoughts with my two good friends.  They both reminded me that my ex had many other issues and that my new friend should NOT be classified in the same bucket.  I soon found myself reaching out bright and early to remind him that I am there if he finds himself struggling… I had learned a great deal from this experience and one main lesson is that you can be a functioning alcoholic. He is a very intelligent man and I have worked with him for years and had NO IDEA and based on our conversation neither did anyone else.  I also learned that I am still very “raw” when it comes to my situation.  I have a lot to work out in regards to having patience for those with issues and being positive about their success and beating their addiction.

So in Keeping it REAL…  To my new friend:  Tell people about your situation before you meet with them.  It will make the situation more comfortable for everyone and pick your social sites carefully…there will come a day when you want one and temptation comes from exposure.  And the lesson to all those who have lived a life or a time with an alcoholic….  “Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME”.  Don’t turn your back on those who are trying to get better…  35% of alcoholics maintain sobriety after a year while 25% continue to consume. The ODDs are in their favor…  Support them, encourage them, and hope that they will cherish life enough to live it clean and clear!  Monday LOVE to all!

Spring Cleaning..Oh JOY!

Ever feel like you are spinning in circles and your “to dos” are all hanging out just far enough so you can’t grab them?  Today is one of those days..  I have so much I need to do and yet I will get side tracked by another “task” or I just don’t feel like doing it (I will admit).  Tonight is going to be different….I have my brown bags for yard cleaning, oil for the lawn mower, and weed killer!!! I am hoping to Git-R-Done! 

Summer is my favorite season but I have to admit lawn care is a big problem for me.  I have a large yard and it takes a lot of time to get it under control. I also refuse to spend money on a new lawnmower and let me just say…mine is on the verge of seeing its last summer..   I also find it difficult to locate an activity for the kids to do while I am mowing.  I am definitely an “over protective mom” and thoughts wonder through my head…(surprised yet?).  An example would be:  wonder if my daughter is making a pool on the kitchen floor, has my son had enough of his sister and sent her flying across the living room, or even better have they both snuck out the back and are playing water tag across the back yard with the hose (naked)..   Mowing the lawn involves too much “alone” time and I find myself stopping to “check” on them. Most of the time they are behaving because they are pros at telling on each other.  So, I should find confidence in knowing that right?  NOT!

It will be an adventure tonight seeing how they handle themselves this year. Last year, we only had a “few” situations while I was outside..but then again we had a drought. Just think, if I get it all mowed, I will have Saturday to have fun and still manage to spend my entire day on Sunday cleaning the house… Ya me!

So here we go on a yard adventure..weeding, brush cleanup, mowing, and planting..  After all that is done, I am paying the boy down the street to put down my mulch.  I mean really…In Keeping it REAL, I might say I can do it ALL…but a little help every once in awhile won’t hurt anyone.  So my thought for the day..”GET OUTSIDE!  Enjoy the weather….and get that yard work done”  You never know who might stop by and say “your yard needs help and offer to help you”..  Have a great weekend

Say what you feel and not what you should feel….

It has been crazy at work this week (once again) and I haven’t had time to write.  For all those following me, I am sorry.  This past weekend was a fun “adventure” and it continued on into this week.    I actually think there were a couple of nights that I was so exhausted that I had no thoughts except…”Please let my children go to bed early” and “oh my gosh..I hope my bestie isn’t too mad at me”. 

As for my personal life, I am still continuing down the path of meeting new people.  I find all of them fascinating and their life stories are always full of learning lessons for all.  I have now met the following:  Single dad with full custody, High School Teacher, Project Manager who flies a plan and rides a motorcycle, IT Support, and last but not least…the “electric man”.  The one thing that I have learned is that discussions about your ex or the drama associated with your past should be totally off limits!  I find myself sitting and the entire time thinking “wonder what he really did to cause all this”.  I constantly remind myself that there are two sides to every breakup.  Even with all the drama from my marriage, I did walk away owning “some” of the blame for the failure of the marriage.    As we all should learn more than just “I married the wrong person” when exiting a relationship or marriage.  We need to step back and determine what “I could do better the next go round”.  After all, this is how we grow and mature in life.

So here is my point…(you knew I had one right)..  During all of these “encounters”, I have found one commonality.   They say one thing but they really feel totally different.  I am not sure if it is that they don’t know what they want or it is merely that they are trying to “impress” or move the relationship to the next level.  I have always been very honest in the fact that I do not want a relationship and that I am dating others. I would expect the same from the other person; as well...  But men continue down the path of saying “what might get them a brownie point”.  Let the truth be told, I am totally in tune with all of this. I have always had besties that were men and I know what “playing the game” is all about.  After all, I sat back and watched most of it unfold in my younger days!  So my question to myself this week was “Why do men say they want a relationship, but are really just seeking fun”?  I pondered this for a few days and can only assume it is because they don’t want the “women” to seek out other opportunities (just in case they might want to get serious).    So in Keeping it REAL GUYS, be honest and put all your thoughts on the table.  Don’t say what you think is the right thing to say…say what you really “feel” or “want”.  Everyone has the right to a choice.  You can accept the other person and what they want/feel or you can move on to the next opportunity.  If one person is dishonest, the other loses their right to a “choice”. It is not fair to everyone involved and in the long run…you end up with one person being angry and resentful. That my friend is the learning lesson for men!  Now on to my lesson (girls!).. You have the right to a “choice”..continue throwing out the honesty in hopes that it will be returned.  I stand behind my decision to “not” have a relationship and I will continue to be honest about it!  If you want a relationship, let them know and expect an answer that may “hurt”.  You deserve the right to make a “choice” and if you don’t hear what you “want” MOVE ON to find that person that is true and provides the answers that you feel are genuine.  Reality for me…. I am not going to stop dating others.. It is w-a-y to much fun!  I am enjoying life living it honest and free day by day….  That is my “choice”..Now go sit and ponder on yours…  (oh yeah…and Bestie..YOU ARE THE BEST! Thanks for Saturday night) Cheers to Thursday Night FUN

The Starting of a New Home..

If any of you have been divorced and live in the home that you shared with your EX, you will know where I am going with this.  I would have sold my house but thanks to the decrease in home value, I couldn’t.  I think it also helped in the transition for the children that they didn’t have to move. 

There are so many bad memories in my home and it never really felt quite like mine.  So I started removing “clutter” last year (I saw the impact it had on a good friend).  I worked on that for a few months but still felt like it didn’t feel right.  I went through moments/days where I just wanted to move far far away. 

I am very fortunate that my mother is there to help me and she immediately knew just what would make it better.  She began to paint!  That’s right!  The first room she did was my Dining Room.  I picked the color and on went the color.  We rearranged and added some new antiques to the look.  I soon found myself sitting in the dining room just pondering.  I realized this was because this room was totally mine!  She then moved into the living room, hallway, and part of the kitchen.  You would be surprised at what paint, pictures, and a new light will do! I now found myself moving back and forth between the new and improved rooms more frequently.  It felt so peaceful with the new colors and “me” style all over the place!

After seeing what my mom did with the other rooms, I found myself standing in my bedroom.  UGH!  What can I do?  Well, I took down all the pictures (yup still had some up that shouldn’t still be up)..  Moved my bed to a different location and started going crazy rearranging the furniture!  My mother had bought me a new comforter for my Christmas gift, so I pulled it out and started “making change”.  Before I knew it, I had a new look!

Let me give you some background to get you up to speed.  During my in-house separation, I began having problems sleeping and found myself awake every night at 2AM until 4AM.  I have tried medications, “special” drinks, and just staying up later but still woke up!  I struggled with it and continued to feel exhausted from the entire experience.  I would even go to my besties house just to get quality sleep on the weekends (and yes I slept there).  I knew it was stress related and could have been a result of the many thoughts swarming through my head, but figured it would never go away at this point.  But guess what?  I am sleeping through the night every since I rearranged my bedroom.  Seems crazy, but can you imagine the impact if I had actually painted the room? (that’s next)

I am sure you are wondering the point here. Right?  Well, here is what I am saying….  In Keeping it REAL, we can’t erase the memories, the drama, or the failures.  They are a part of us and make us all “real”.  But we can build a new home from an old one.  The memories are still there but they are now covered with new paint and are ready to receive the new experiences/memories that life has to offer.  So make “change” and enjoy what new surprises will be waiting around the corner.    You never know….You might find that peace is just a color pallet away…. Happy Thursday

First Impressions…

I was sitting around coughing my head off last night (gotta love allergy season) and started pondering on all the people that I have met in the last few months.  I thought that I was a person that always went with my first impression of people.  I have struggled to overcome this (or so I thought) mainly because everyone’s first impression of me is never a positive one, so how could I judge in just one meeting. Right?     So today, I reached out to my FB friends/family and asked the question “What is the first thing you notice about a person when you meet them?”.   As always, I would love to share:

Smile

Teeth, It’s a problem for me (coming from where I live, it is always good to have all your teeth)

Smile and if that’s good I check out the rest (The rest?  Should have asked for this to be defined)

If they smell bad (must have had a bad encounter..hope it wasn’t me)

I have recently become friends with someone that I worked with before and by his answer soon found that we may be very similar in our thought process (poor guy).  His response was “The look on their face to determine their mood”.  Don’t think I have ever met a guy that analyzes “moods”, but can relate.  If I sense someone’s mood is “off”, I easily get nervous and struggle to improve the atmosphere. So I definitely feel sorry for him that he is in tune with the vibe a person reflects.

As for me, I look at their eyes!  I am all about eye contact and eye confidence.  If I meet a person and they struggle to look me in the eyes, I feel confident that they are hiding something.  It is not about the color but about what I see in their eyes.  If I can’t see your eyes, I am at a loss.  So for all those people that I have never met..Never wear sunglasses on our first encounter!

Now back to my point, I thought I always went with my first impression, but as I reflected on those that I have settled into “relations”, I realized that is not a valid statement.  I find myself attracted to those that do not make a good “first” impression.  I almost think of it as a challenge to enhance their personalities. It is a challenge to find the good and bring it out.  I discussed this with my “bestie” and she pulled her counseling ruler out and said “You are still trying to find someone that you can fix.  You need to STOP and find someone that fits with you and isn’t broken according to your expectations”. I think she even growled at me during this conversation.  So I think I get it….

As we all know relationships are hard, whether is a friendship or a companionship; it takes works.  As you get to know the person, you will always find areas that you do not agree with one another.  That is a fact and how you handle them is a work in progress.  However, never go into either with the idea that you can “change” a person or make them “change” the way they function in life.  They just won’t do it (the same as you won’t change either).  And in Keeping it REAL….Don’t totally turn away your first impression because your thoughts at that moment may come back to the surface days, months, or years down the road.  It is OK to tread lightly when you have doubts.  It is always better to have a small circle of friends then a large circle of acquaintances…  Happy Hump Day!