Why be a Bully when you can be a FRIEND....

Over the past week, I have been engulfed in the topic of “bullying”.  However, the focus has continued to be reactive versus proactive.  As I sat and watched a video recorded by Jamey Rodemeyer, I found myself wondering “are we really doing everything that we can?”   Do we even know what needs to be done?  How does someone become a “bully”?

I was taken aback by some of the comments that children posted about this young 14 year old boy.  I wonder if given the chance today, would they have made a different selection of words.  Would they have taken the time to get to know this young boy or would they still stand behind him being “not one of them”.  Comments that so many of us would never have thought of using (or at least not me).  Comments such as “No one would care if you died”….  I sit back today thinking about this young man and the many others that are contemplating the very same actions as young Rodemeyer.

Many parents feel that “bullying” is just a rite of passage.  They reflect on when it happened to them and how they overcame it.  They educate their children to “ignore it” or “walk away”, but what happens when every step they take leads them to another bullying situation?  What happens when they don’t have a “best friend” to fall back on for support?  What happens when a child, like Rodemeyer, feels so let down by society and decides to prove what life would be like without him.

I decided to sit down last night with my son and talk about life at school.  He had seemed so withdrawn and I knew that something was impacting his performance at school.  As we moved through the conversation, I soon found the answer that I so dreaded…he was getting picked on.  I also found myself saying those words that don’t help…ignore it, their loss, walk away…  I saw in his face that what he really wanted to hear was “why”. 

My daughter sat quietly listening and confirming the activities that have occurred.  I saw in her face that she didn’t want to see her brother hurt.  He was sobbing in my arms and asking that dreaded question.  Why am I different?  Sure, I could go on and on about everyone being different.  I could say he was “special”.  I could say all the mother love words that I could come up with, but that won’t fix the pain of wanting to be accepted.  It will not fix that my son is overweight and has strabismus (lazy eye).  It won’t stop them from calling him a freak or a fat butter nut.  It won’t stop the bullying.

By the end of the conversation, my son had one wish..He wants a “best friend”.  I looked at him and said “let’s work on it but for now..it is me”. I soon found myself putting both of my favorite little people in bed with me to snuggle.  Although they loved it, it was more for me tonight.  I needed to know that even for just one night.. I was protecting them.  I wanted to keep out all the cruel words and actions of the world.  I needed time to think!

As they fell asleep, I lay in bed and cried. I cried for my son and I prayed for the answer.  Do I go to the school?  Do I teach him to “play the game” and react?  Do I try and build a safe place at home where he runs from it all? I thought of young Rodemeyer and his wish for acceptance.  I thought of his struggle in life.  I thought of Lady Gaga and her response to the loss of one of her dearest fans.  As she said “you are not a victim..you are lesson to all of us”. 

In Keeping it REAL, I may not have the answer to my son’s question, but I do have a lesson for all.  If your child is popular, pretty, handsome, or just loved by all; teach them to “pay it forward”.  Teach them to treat others in the way that makes them feel good.  Teach them to find good in all and appreciate the differences that we all have. After all our one commonality is that we are ALL different.  Behind every mean comment is a nice gesture and behind every bully is a parent that could change the outcome for that child living on the edge of loneliness.