Getting stronger every day…

So this weekend was busy and I didn’t totally get my wish of “more time”, but I tried my best to take advantage of every minute.  We had horseback riding lessons, grocery store, and father visit on Saturday.  So it was a crazy day!  Sunday was calmer with me cooking dinner for my mother and kids, watching movies, and SLEEP!

I think I was completely exhausted by Sunday night and found myself reflecting on the kids visit with their dad.  I will say after 15 years, I know him pretty well and unfortunately have his actions/behaviors pegged.  Saturday was a little different.  He showed up for his visit and brought the kids some chocolate and flowers for me.  I guess he could tell that I was not impressed because I quickly turned to my daughter and said “look daddy brought you flowers”.  He looked shocked but I kept a “neutral” look on my face.

Now for some background as to why I did this.  We have now managed to get through a Christmas and both of their birthdays.  Each holiday receiving the same phone call from their dad saying “I don’t have money to get them anything.  I feel so bad.  Can you make sure they understand?”  Each time, I have had a discussion with them and they were totally “OK” with it.  They are such great kids.  I also want to note that I do NOT get child support and agreed to this based on my getting full custody. 

If you are a mother then you will truly understand.  At the moment he gave me the flowers, I thought of the children. What went through my head went like this “I can’t believe he would come in here with a gift for me when he has done nothing for the kids.  I can’t accept this and wish that he would have done something for them”.  So that is why I turned quickly and acknowledged that they were for the kids.  I could not let them remember that moment any other way.

As the visit progressed, he came inside to justify the flowers.  He said “I got you those flowers because you are a good mother”. This was my opportunity… I responded with “I wish you would save your 8.00 and make good with the kids”.  He looked surprised.  I then finished it off with…they are the ones that you should be making peace with, not me.  I am not sure he got it, nor do I care; but I felt better in saying it.

I have always been the type to hold back and let things “fester”.  I wait until they come to a breaking point and then I explode.  I am proud to say that I handled this situation better than I would have in the past.  I was calm and I expressed how I felt.  As my bestie would say “I just keep growing everyday”.   Whether he ever learns or listens is now his issue.  His life decisions are now his and he will have to live with the consequences as a result of the path he has chosen.

So in Keeping it REAL, when it comes to your children; don’t hold back!  You only have one chance to raise them and they will behave in the manner that they observe others behaving.  Teach them to express their feelings and then “move on”.  After all, “we spend our entire life recovering from our childhood experiences”.  Let’s try and make their recovery as easy as possible.  And a final wish to my ex, I wish you would find enough love for your children. I wish you would find enough love for yourself.  I wish you would put down the beer and find enough love for life…….  We only live once and if you don’t remember living..what is the point!  Oh Monday..welcome back!

Mother’s Day…

As we move into the weekend of celebration of Mother’s Day, I have pondered on “what I want this year”.  Do I want to spend it with my children? Do I want to have some “alone” time?  Do I want to just let it blow over as “just another day”?

In the past, I would have marveled on the idea of a nice gift. I would have hoped for flowers and something that said I was the #1 Mom.  This year seems different.  I feel more confident in knowing that I am doing the best that I can. I feel confident in knowing that I have successfully transitioned to being a single mom.  I feel confident in knowing that materialistic things come and go.   I no longer yearn for the shimmering diamond necklace or the day at the high dollar spa.   I look for nothing except to get through the next parenting obstacle and move forward as the new me.  I enjoy the moments at night alone, pondering on the day and how successfully or unsuccessfully it ended.  I enjoy the moments of hugs and laughter and the quality time that I spend with my children, family, and friends.  I am learning to enjoy life.

So, what do I want for mother’s day? I want a hug, a laugh, conversation time with my bestie, and most importantly…I want time.  I want time to enjoy those that have made my life so special.  A moment to tell each of them that I appreciate them, and that they are more than just my child, my mother, my sister, or my friend.  I want them to realize that being a mother is not a standalone job.  I could never have succeeded without you.  Mother’s Day to me is just a day to celebrate that I had “help” and I made it this far.  It will also be a day to remind me that I could not and would not do it alone. 

So in Keeping it REAL, I want to say Thank you!  Thank you to my Bestie who kept me from falling apart.  Thank you to my mom, who sacrifices her time to help care for my children.  Thank you to my sister who entertains my children so I can get a break.  And I saved the best for last….Thank you to my children for showing me unconditional love and teaching me that love conquers all…  So Happy Mother’s Day to all those that have made me successful over the last 9 years!  Have a Great Weekend and I love you! 

Fear of the doctor..

Last night was a long night because my little girl decided to get sick.  I could tell as the night progressed that she had a fever and knew that today would be a difficult day.  I woke her up early and started the conversation about getting well so we could have a good weekend.  I told her that I thought it was just sinuses and she needed to go to the doctor.  I saw the fear in her eyes as I left for work.  This was a hard moment because deep down I wished that I could take her in my arms and protect her when she went.  However, today was a meeting day at work and I just couldn’t miss.  

I know it seems silly, but the fear of doctors seems to run in my family.  My sister still has severe anxiety over doctor appointments.  My daughter’s issues all started with a throat test (just like my sister). It seems like every time she goes for a “sick visit”, she has to have a strep test.  At one point, she even bled after having the test administered.  I feel so sorry for her and wish that I could help her overcome her fear.

The doctor’s appointment turned out to be worse than expected. My daughter was so nervous that she was ringing her hands and her heart was going a mile a minute.  She sat calmly and waited for the doctor, but my mom said “she looked so nervous sitting there waiting”.  The doctor came in, took a look, and instantly grabbed for that darn throat test.  She started to whimper and beg not to have it.  At that moment, the doctor called for a nurse.  Mom knew what was next and convinced her to do the test willingly so they wouldn’t hold her down. If you know anything about this process, it is HORRIBLE.  They hold the child down and then pinch their nose so they are forced to open their mouth. (And we wonder why she is scared of the doctor office)  He performed the test and when it was done; my daughter was a bundle of anxiety.  She let out a sound and swung at my mother (once).  This is when it got inappropriate….

The doctor walked over and reprimanded her (I am ok with this).  He then proceeded to say that this behavior has become common practice for my daughter and that she was spoiled.  He said “she is going to go to school one day and hit someone”.  Now, I am not sure how anyone can gauge a child’s true personality by their behavior in a doctor’s office.  I mean is school really consistent of shots, jabs, feels, and lab work? No, it is not! 

It took every bit of my being to not pick up the phone (and some texting from my bestie) and tell him what I thought.  Instead, I am taking a deep breath.  I am relieved that my daughter does have strep and is getting medication.  I am relieved that my daughter is sleeping comfortable at home (not throwing punches at her stuffed animals). I am relieved that I was not able to attend that doctor’s appointment (because I would have told him what I really thought).  What am I going to do???

As always, I am going to post my advice to this so called wonderful doctor…  So in Keeping it REAL, to the doctor (I have a list):

The Never:

Never lay judgment if you don’t have kids (contrary to your belief this is not like raising a dog)

Never judge if you DON’T know a person’s situation

Never use the word “spoiled” when you refer to a child (behavioral issue, anxiety, or stress come to mind)

Never have conversations about a child with someone that is NOT the child’s parent

The Always:

Always observe the child and help in reassuring them (it was clear she was scared)

Always commend the child for completing the task with a “next time” statement

Always communicate with the PARENT about any concerns that you may have (not the grandmother)

And my lesson learned…  I am going to be seeking out a new doctor (A doctor that will work with my daughter to overcome her fears).  I will also go home and talk to her about what happened today and hope that we can continue to focus on “strength” and “confidence”. I will continue to look forward and hope that I can teach her to do the same.  She is NOT spoiled….she is just a little “broken” right now.  She struggles every day to overcome her fears of people and her shyness of “new environments.  I will remember this and continue to recognize her for working to overcome her fears.    

And to the single moms, there is guilt with divorce.  There is a small window where you try and make it up to your children through gifts, behavior passes, and extra love.  It is O.K. to do but just remember; you eventually have put on your big girl panties and take “control”.  Come on FRIDAY…I miss you! 

Monkey Business...

Yesterday was a fun filled day consisting of a trip to the zoo with my daughter. This was her first trip into the city and she was so excited! She is a rule follower (at school), so she made sure to review all the rules with me before the departure.

The school did a fabulous job raising money and we were very lucky to have the pleasure of riding in a commercial bus (and yes, the kids were fascinated with the toilet).  We were off and traveling to the zoo at 8:30AM.  The ride is approximately 1.5 hours so the kids had plenty of time to giggle and chat together! I, of course; sat with another parent as my daughter soon found it was more fun to sit with her friends.   This is where the discomfort began…

As we are riding on the bus, my daughter decides to share in conversation with her friends.  She says “guess what my daddy did”.  Now at this point, I was still thinking she was going to say something like “he drove a limo” or “he got the ball stuck in the tree”.  Then it came out so loud that it could be heard across the bus…. “My daddy went and got himself a new girlfriend and we saw her picture on FB”.  All the mothers look over at me and I just shrink down into the seat. Yup, complete moment of…I WISH I WAS NOT ON THIS BUS RIGHT NOW…..  I wasn’t quite sure what to say.  I just quietly looked away and was grateful that the conversation ended with the statement.

Once we got to the zoo, we had a fabulous time.  My daughter hung out with two of her good friends and enjoyed seeing all the animals.  The weather couldn’t have been more perfect! We laughed, we talked, and we walked our butts off!  She was even lucky enough to become the owner of a new stuffed panda!  We soon found it was time to go and we were off and riding on the bus to get back home.  It then happened again….

She was playing “Panda” with two of her friends.  The other mother and I were listening and laughing as they played.  Her one friend would say “Hi honey..kissy kissy kissy”.  Then my daughter chimes in “You are not nice. I don’t want to be married to you.  Get out of my house”.  Again..I WISH I WAS NOT ON THIS BUS RIGHT NOW!!!  I look at the other mother and say “again, I am sorry.  It has been rough year for her”. The other mother looks at me and says “that is ok. I am sure my daughter could share in some of our disagreements”.  I know she was being nice, but really it just wasn’t the same.

So my point today…  In Keeping it REAL, I have taught my children that open communication is good.  I have always kept the door open for them to talk freely.  Although, this may not have been the proper forum for her to vent her thoughts, I am glad she did.  I realize that she understands the situations around her.  I realize that I have not painted a pretty picture of love and marriage.  I feel bad for all that she has seen and heard and I now know that I need to work on expressing my feelings about relationships differently.  I also need to work on my communication with her.  I want her to live in a life full of love and I want her to know that love has many positive possibilities when shared with the right person. I don’t want her to go through life thinking…relationships are like what she experienced with her mom and dad.  I want her to role play the best scenarios and not play out the drama that she has endured.  So to all my followers, just remember they are listening…  They are impacted by your decisions but they shouldn’t have to carry the burden of your life lesson.  Work hard every day to keep them innocent and open to all that life has to offer…and if we are lucky they too will make mistakes and learn from them. They too will appreciate “love” when they find it.  They too will work hard to be the best that they can be!  Happy HUMP DAY!

A Day of Celebration..

Today marks a turning point for many reasons.  I now realize that I have grown in so many ways and I cherish every moment of life.  I also realize that it is because of those that have surrounded me during my troubled times, that I am standing strong today.  They kept me going and they showed me to have “faith”.  Today is a day to be celebrated because it marks the 13^th anniversary for my Bestie and her husband.  They are truly an inspiration. I wish them a successful year and many many more!!!

Unlike most people the #13 is a lucky number to them.  I know she would be ashamed, but I know that several “good” things have happened around the number 13; I just can’t remember them all to quote here (sorry Bestie). I have learned so much from watching their relationship and feel that the lessons learned are great.  I will not say they are perfect, but I will say that they know how to communicate and even the largest arguments are overcome before they hit the bed (not that I know how they make up…) Many relationships lose the communication and soon become a tumbling disaster, but both of them work hard at it and they continue to push the boundaries to keep the conversation alive.  I hope that someday, I take this with me and embrace this knowledge in a relationship.  There are also many other positives to their relationship, but in all honesty; I am too stubborn to follow those rules…So let’s just hope communication works for me!  So to my Bestie and the man that got lucky enough to become her soul mate..Happy Anniversary!

 

It was also announced last night that Bin Laden was located and terminated and the internet and television are overwhelmed with information regarding the details and what led to his termination. I am still a little overwhelmed with emotions over this turning point in life. I don't think I fully understand the feelings that I have and I definitely don't feel confident that this ends the 10 year (almost) war on terrorism.

As the news is covering the termination of Bin Laden, I sit and ponder on whether this should be a celebration.  I acknowledge the lives that he stole and I realize the destruction he caused the US, but I just can’t find it in me to “celebrate”.  Instead, I sit back and remember that day in 2001.  I remember lying on the sofa, sick, and pregnant with my son.  I remember frantically talking to my friends who had family working at the Pentagon.  I remember crying as I saw people jumping from the World Trade Center. I remember holding my stomach and praying to God that he would stop the suffering and protect so that my son and all other children in the world could enjoy the life that they deserve. It was a sad day and it was a major negative turning point for the US.  I remember coming to work and being saddened by the way my Muslim friends were being treated.  I remember feeling the “prejudice” coming back that we worked so hard to overcome.  I remember the lock downs and the interrogations. I remember the abuse of the prisoners and the bad military tactics used on them.  I remember the soldiers lost in the last 9 years and 7 months fighting for our safety. And most importantly, I remember to not forget! 

So in Keeping it REAL, I WILL celebrate the lucky 13^th Anniversary of my two most cherished friends.  However, I will not celebrate the termination of Bin Laden. I will instead take a moment to ponder on those that we lost due to the misguided beliefs of one crazy man.  I will treat today, as I treat September 11^th of every year.  I will have faith in knowing that those lost on that day are at peace.  I will hope that we will never see such devastation in the US again.  I will hope that today will be a turning point for those followers of Bin Laden.  I will hope that they will see that we are all the same. That we all have husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, mothers, fathers and friends, and that we have one common goal and that is to protect the ones we love.  I hope that they will see that through “peace” we can conquer our differences and live in harmony as one world. 

I hope you will also join me in taking a moment to remember… Remember, what brought us to today and remember how we felt on 09/11 when we watched the Bin Laden celebrators dancing in the streets.   Let us learn from this..and although we will never forget…we should always try to forgive.  Let us hope that this Monday brings peace to the US and that my Besties “Lucky 13” works in our favor and that this year will bring home our soldiers and that terrorism will become text book history that does not repeat itself.  PEACE and LOVE