Shy or Insecure…

So I often wonder if being “shy” is a learned behavior or if you are born being a “shy” person.  I did some research and found mixed opinions on how a person becomes or is shy.  There is a strong support of the belief that you cannot be born shy because you are not born with a “sense of self”.  Therefore, shyness must be a result of life experiences and or self security issues. Right?

I often wonder if most people that blog or write are shy.  As for me, I am definitely more confident behind my computer and expressing my words on paper then I am at saying them face to face.  I struggle with my insecurities (yup, they are there) and constantly find myself failing every time.

Last night, I went out to dinner with someone who knows me via email, texting, and phone conversations.  I knew regardless of the outcome, we would be friends.  What I didn’t expect was that my “shy” behaviors would appear offensive or appear to be acts of withdraw.  I will say that I appreciate the honesty, but the sting of hearing the feedback made me stop and think about “what made me shy”. 

I remember being an outgoing child in my younger years.  I remember feeling that I was “perfect” (thanks to my parent’s encouragement).  Then I entered school.  My first true memory of being picked on was in 5^th grade.  I had gained weight and was exposed to the true cruelty of childhood teasing.  I can still remember moments in time that I felt completely horrible and no matter what my parents said “I stuck to the words of the children”.  I remember becoming “shy”….

As I continued through high school, I was constantly teased about my appearance and had given up any hope of being “popular”.  However, I made it through and was excited to be heading off to college to “start over”.  This was my BIG opportunity to make friends and leave the so called overweight me behind (105lbs of me…) 

Then there was my first class… As part of my school requirements, I had to take an exercise class and the requirement was to get weighed to determine body fat...  I got on the scale and weighed in (110lbs).  The instructor commented “wow, I would have thought you weighed more than that”.  I still to this day wish I had responded with something back about how his face looked like he ran into a brick wall…but I didn’t.  I merely walked away feeling once again…”shy”.   Through it all, I did manage to meet some lifelong friends and successfully completed my degree.

This brings me to the events of last night…  I have a successful career, wonderful children, and an awesome friend network.  However, I am STILL “shy”.  I found myself enjoying the company but struggling for my “comfort” zone.  I tried really hard, but I failed.  The person completely felt the wrath of my “shy” behaviors.  I, once again; lost the battle with myself.

As I sat last night, I reflected on the experience.  Could I have done something differently?  Can I help my actions?  Will I ever get over being “shy”?  After all, my theme this year is “starting over”. Can I truly do it this time?

So in Keeping it REAL, we spend our entire lives trying to overcome our childhood experiences.  The question will always be “can we succeed”.  My gut says to stop trying but my heart says “don’t give up”.  Today, I am going to go with my heart.  I can’t give up just yet.  Today, I may look in the mirror and see that 5^th grader that was picked on but tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow is the day that I might learn to see “me”…    And to my followers..it doesn’t matter what someone says today..it only matters how you want to feel tomorrow.   And to all those up and coming adults, I am sorry. I am sorry that you too may have to reflect back on these days as moments in time that cannot be erased.  Work hard and move forward and remember…be the best that you can be and that starts with being a good friend!