It was all a Dream....

So last night was a restless night.  I kept thinking about a quote that continues to linger over me. It is a “goal” of such and yet at any point during my day seems very unattainable.  The quote is as follows “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.  If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.  If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place”.  I keep this quote at my desk and at home and I constantly look at it in hopes that I will someday…take the chance.

I always considered myself strong minded and dedicated but lately I have found myself to be more reserved and resistant to saying what I think/feel.  Maybe it is a result of being divorced or maybe it is just the fear of what I already know. 

At work, I find myself sitting back and watching the disarray unfold and yet cannot find the voice to speak up and attempt to organize the situation.  I find that being “not as technical” as everyone else puts me at a disadvantage or in a position where I “don’t know what I am talking about”.  Yes, I will “huddle” with co-workers (one on one) and say “we need to do this” or “why aren’t we moving forward”.  I quickly retract my statements when I get the look of “who do you think you are”.   I know that I can bring organization, motivation, and change…but after my previous experiences “I have lost my voice”. 

At home, I find myself falling into my routine. I find that when encouraged to find a hobby (ie: exercise class or other activity), I quickly respond with “no time” or “yeah right”.  Do I really not have time or is there a fear of failure?  Am I truly moving forward or am I standing still in the safety of my four walls?

At socials, I find myself turning down socials and opportunities to gather.  I am not sure why, but I keep drawing back and thinking….what will I get out of this?  What if I am not having fun?  What if they are not having fun?  I quickly make the decision to “not go” and then find myself wondering..”would we have had fun together”, “what did I miss”… 

I finally exhausted myself with my thoughts last night.  I decided that living by my quote is just too hard and I fail every time.  Sleep came before my last thought but the dream that followed turned into a reminder of what I need to work the most on…  Self Confidence.  Self Acceptance.  Self Worth.  Self Attitude.  It was one of those dreams that seem so real and I even woke up feeling all of the emotions involved in the encounter.  I woke up thinking “why did I do that”.

In my dream, I am meeting a new person for the first time (the dreaded reverse dating).  The date is over and it was fun. However, I just can’t stop thinking the “what ifs” from my past encounters.  What if, he missed me?  What if, he changed his mind?  What if, there was a chance…  I find myself standing in the rain on his front porch.  I find myself asking “is there a chance” and I hear the answer that I so feared “no”.  I find myself walking away with no further discussion and no further conversation.  I find myself walking away and knowing that this would be our last conversation….

What have I learned from this?  I have learned that sometimes we don’t ask the question because the answer may result in a loss greater than just a “no”.  I realized that I am not hiding from rejection. I am hiding from the outcome of the answer.  So, I realized that the best answer for me is to make the move forward…don’t look back..and keep swimming.  After all, if I was truly the “prize or trophy”, he would have cashed in by now….

So in Keeping it REAL, there are times when you should step up, step down, or move forward.  However, there are also times when you need to step back and “reflect”. Reflect on the situation and determine if you are truly seeking the correct answer or the appropriate question.  Don’t fear the challenge, but remember…It is only a “challenge” when two parties are willing to compete. If only one person is moving forward…there must be reason that the other is holding their ground…