Waiting for the “look” of a lifetime…

I had a great weekend getaway with the kids.  We spent time hiking and trying (I say that loosely) to get along.  The challenge with two children is that they always find a reason or way to disagree. I am sure that many of you know that already if you have two children. 

As we ventured out on Saturday for a hike, I stood back taking pictures and enjoyed watching my kids play.  I realized at that moment, that I was surviving as a single mom.  I never thought it to be possible.  I have succeeded in finding my independence and so far have been pretty darn successful at it.    I smiled as I chased the kids through the woods to find sticks and laughed as we threw stones in a creek.  It was nice and it finally felt “comfortable”.  However, I still had that nagging feeling that I might be missing something.  Is there really someone for everyone?  Aren’t there people that never meet that someone special?  Were they content with their life or did they feel like they were missing something?  Did their independence come at a price?

When I was finally at my breaking point in my marriage, a dear friend reminded me of what life was going to be like.  She said “You must be prepared to live the rest of your life alone”.  She had a valid point. The fact that I have minimal social time and two full time children puts me at a disadvantage in the “pool” for interest.  But I realized that I couldn’t continue living the way I was living and single life seemed much more appealing after the many downs of married life.  So my decision was made and I was off and running “single”. 

It has now been almost two years since my decision. Yes, I have had opportunities but none seem to qualify on the “would I introduce them to my kids” questionnaire.  This leads me to wonder if there really is someone out there for everyone.  I have known several women that have chosen a life of aloneness versus trying their hand at another long term relationship.  Believe me, I can understand.  There was a point in my life where I would rather use my toothbrush to clean a toilet bowl then endure another relationship.  But lately, I sit and feel like something is missing in my life.  I wonder if “this is it”.  Will my love only go as far as my children and is that enough to last me my lifetime?  Is it a relationship that I am missing or is it the intimacy that is shared between two people?  I must be somewhat of a romantic after all….

As I was hiking with my kids, I reflected on my mother and father.  They had a wonderful marriage.  They did everything together from shopping to just watching a movie.  They were truly “soul mates”. I often think of the look he would give her.  It was the look that a man gives a woman the first time he sees her and realizes how beautiful she is.  He never stopped giving her that look.  It was like he was seeing her for the first time.  It is odd, but I think I yearn to find that someone special that looks at me every time like it is the first time.  I yearn for someone who wants to participate in every activity with me and enjoys my company (even if it is just to a local grocery store).  My dad died young (47) and my mother never veered her eyes towards any other man. I often wondered why, but now I know.  She had her “soul mate” and that can’t be replaced

I continued down the trail and looked forward at my children.  I realized at that moment that I can’t give up.  Every step I make is not just about me.  It also includes them.  My purpose in life is to teach them and guide them.  I want them to know what a “good” relationship looks like.  .  After all we have been through; I want them to know that love can be a wonderful experience with the right person. I want them to see the same look that I witnessed being shared between my parents and quite honestly; I want to experience it!

So in Keeping it REAL, there is a chance that you/I may live a life of solitude…but don’t put your blinders on just yet…We both might just get a glimpse of what true happiness can bring! Happy Monday!

Going with your “gut” feeling..

So yesterday was a good day, I actually won something at a team building event.  I think my kids are going to be really excited when they realize they are the new owners of an Xbox 360!  I have never been a lucky winner, so I hope this is a sign of more good times to come in 2011. 

Last night I couldn’t sleep thinking about many things but one issue stood out more than the many other what ifs…  And of course it is about a man..Go figure Right? 

Anyway, I met this really nice guy.  He makes me laugh and there is never a silent moment in our phone conversations.  The problem is he never wants to go out and do anything.  At first, I really believed it was his hectic lifestyle and the fact that he runs his own business.  But the more I talked to him; I realized it was much more.    Now the decision..  Do I confront this or let it ride?

Well, I decided to confront.  My reasoning behind this?  He is the most honest person I have ever met.  Almost honest to a fault!  He says exactly what he is thinking at any given time and will answer abruptly even if he thinks you may not like the answer.  So last night we are talking on the phone (after he blew me off for dinner) and I did it.  I totally put it out there with just 3 words.  “You’re not ready”. He got quiet and said “What?”.  I totally broke it down for him:

·         Talks about his ex-wife in every other sentence

·         Last minute cancellations for going out

Again silence and then he said “I do sometimes think I am not ready, but if I was I would want to be with you”. Nice..Right?  Well, once again; I found myself talking to someone that still has feelings for his ex-wife.  OOOPS!  So knowing how much I care already from our daily conversations, I reminded him that it is OK to not be ready.  I reminded him that being up front is important and that I shouldn’t have had to ask.  I too am not ready, but I am also not in a place where I can handle rejection or disappointment. For all divorcees, we all know that we had years of that before we left. Right?  My last comment to him was to “think about it”.  I am a strong believer that if you want something, you will work for it.  If it is that important to you, you will do anything to get it. 

So my lesson for the day, ask if they still love their ex-wife. Just kidding!  You should always go with your “gut” feeling.  I knew something was off and should have asked weeks ago.  And as for my lesson for him:  If you still have feelings, you need to “feel” them.  Don’t hide them.  Don’t ignore them.  Face them!  In time, you will figure out if it is worth fighting, forgiving, or walking away.  I am Just Keeping it REAL!  Happy Friday to all!

Lesson learned..It is OK to LIE…

After 10 years of marriage and 14 years with the same person, I guess I forgot what it is like to be “noticed”.  Not sure if this was a good notice or an OH NO notice, but I thought I would share.  Yesterday was a big day at work filled with one LONG meeting, so I dressed for the occasion (actually, I wore a skirt just so my colleagues would make fun).  But in the short of it, I rarely wear a skirt and on this particular day I revealed that…Yes, I do have legs.  After work, I needed to get my sons medication so I headed out a little early. On my way, I realized that I was low on gas.  So, I went into the local gas station to fill up.  Now, we all know that I have a constant yearn for the smokes and on this day..yeah shoot me…I decided to buy a pack.  I walk into the convenience store and here is how it all unfolded:

Me: “I would like a pack of blah blah blah”

Cashier:  “Do you have an ID”

Me: “Are you kidding me?  I am almost 40 years old.   There is no way I could be less than 18”

Cashier: “No way, you almost 40.  You married?”

Me: “Divorced” (this is where I should have gotten a clue right?)

Cashier: “Pretty face..  Can I see you again?”

Me: “Um, sure I come in here all the time” (now one would think I would really get a clue right)

Cashier: “No, I want to see you.  I work somewhere else and not be here again”

Me: “What?  Um, sure” (feeling a little unsure at this point but still shooting out the honesty)

Cashier:  “I give you my phone number and you call me?”

Me: “Um, Sure” (now I am really up against the wall and feeling the Oh Shit coming on)

Cashier: “When you call me?”

Me: “Um…Monday” (really feeling the Oh Shit as everyone in line behind me is in shock)

Cashier: “You pretty face and I can’t wait to see you again.  Can I have your number?”

Me: “Um…OK and gave” (now I am like calling myself every name in the book because I cannot figure out how to get out of this)

Now begins the true torture.  I immediately get on the phone with my bestie and say “Oh Crap”.  Once she was done with the complete laughter, she said “It is ok to lie in some situations”.  So here I stand corrected, honesty is a good thing but I gotta kick the naïve part and either a) LIE or b) say not interested.  Right?  I sat last night and pondered on the experience and weeded through all the humorous comments made by my friends and family.  I thought I would share some of the torture with you:

·         Best Friend:  “I am at 7-11.  You want me to get you a phone number”

·         Friend 1:  “He is now searching the secret files and will have complete control of where you are at any point during the day. I bet you even gave your real name didn’t you?”

·         Friend 2: “You are free now and I am sure the freedom shows on your face.  That is why you now have to realize that you might get some interest…sheesh girl!”

·         Mother:  “Why couldn’t you have just answered yes I am married.  Look at the person and know where it is leading and answer yes”

So as I continue to reflect on the situation, I realize that I am a little “rusty” in the area of polite rejection.  I now have a plan!  I will always assume the question is leading to an uncomfortable situation.  I will be prepared with the following: 

1.       “I AM MARRIED” or “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND”. 

2.       I will only give out my Google Voicemail

3.       I will avoid all Gas Station convenient stores

4.       I will not buy anymore smokes (they appear to be not only dangerous to your health but can lead to uncomfortable situations)

5.       I will LIE when necessary!

I am hoping that I am not the last naïve 38 year old out there!  I hope that others may say “OMG I have so had that happen to me”.  However, the chances are slim that anyone else would have fallen into this mess!  So in Keeping it REAL, you are never too old to be hit on in a Gas Station and it is OK to lie to move the line along faster. This will also prevent the request for a phone number!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day… 

Dating Protocol..Is there such a thing?

Last night I found myself sitting in bed “thinking”.  Now, we all know by now that if I don’t have a question pondering in my head, I at least have a worry or thought.  So there I sat thinking about my dating experiences and if the “dating” game has rules or protocols that should be followed.  Don’t worry, I didn’t reach out to my FB fam.. at least not yet!

My one concern/question was when it is proper or correct to see multiple people?  Before I go into my thoughts I want to explain the match.com process and how it works (for those that have not used it).  Here are the steps to using match.com:

                Search for “the one”

                Wink at “the one”

                They wink back

                You chat

                You go out

Now this is the point where it gets confusing, when you start getting serious or think you want to start seeing one person (solely), you block your profile.  That shows that you are not interested in winks, emails, or chats.  The reason for this is that they convince you to sign up for a 6 month deal.  This keeps you active but will not make you available to the “meat market”.  That’s right!   I have officially labeled the experience.  It was either “meat market” or “pool of piranhas”.  At least “meat market” sounds less deadly!  Right?  Anyway, my question is at what point do you do this?  I mean really, I am totally confused!  I might be a little old school but I am getting so confused as to who is calling me at 6pm versus after their kids go to bed.  I have now covered three towns and four names.  I am sure I will mess up at some point right?  When is it “proper” to shut down your profile?  And what if the person that you are seeing does not?  Crazy right?

Well here is what keeps me up at night, I like one more than the rest. What if I went out with one of the other men and ran into the guy in the lead?  Would that be awkward or what?  However, I am totally 100% NOT ready for a relationship so why does it matter?  Should I continue to focus on building my dating experiences?  I tossed and I turned last night and then I got online!  His account is still active.  I am sure he is still chatting and searching for the Miss WOW!  So why should I short myself the luxury of “finding out” what is out there?  If I run into him, it was meant to be.  Right?    The reality is that life is too LONG to make a quick decision.  I have already made one mistake in life and do not want to make that mistake again.  There is no harm in talking and there must be a reason why #1 is not making me JUMP to make a change. So in keeping it REAL, there are no rules.  You make the rules as you go based on YOU.  Everyone is different and not everyone can handle dating multiple people (even I find it a little confusing sometimes).  In the process of all of it, you will know when you are ready to “Block” your profile.  I am very confident it will not be for someone you met at the “meat market”.  As long as you are having fun, why not enjoy the attention of many.  After all, it has been a long time since the “before marriage” dating. Times have changed. Dating has become more advanced and so should those involved.  So, I am off on another adventure that will keep my minding questioning and may lead to another FB question of the day!!!  I am just “Keeping it REAL”! 

Do we all truly have a purpose?

For the last few days, I have been stuck to the news and continue to find myself drawn to Japan.  I tell myself not to watch and stay away from the Internet.  Is that bad?  As many know, I am a “fixer”.  If something is broke, I fix it.  If someone is unhappy or sad, I offer a shoulder and options.  Seems simple right?  Just come up with a “fix” and keep moving.  As my bestie would say: “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”.  I now realize what she meant.  It seems like it has been my motto for the last year to “not look back” and keep my head above water. 

Well, this is different.  I can’t fix the devastation in Japan. I can’t save those fathers, husbands, mothers, wives, and most of all the CHILDREN.  I can’t change what is going on there and can’t reach them to help.  I feel the burden of helplessness and at the same time appreciation for the “safety” surrounding my children.  I can’t imagine being in that situation.  Watching all the activity brings the “what ifs” to mind.    

For those that do not know, I grew up the fire fighters daughter.  My father was on the FEMA disaster recovery team (think that was the name back then). He was always on call to go when disaster hit.  I remember being in college and he was on standby to go to Turkey. I was devastated.  I had the what-ifs going crazy in my head.  What if they had another tremor?  What if he fell through a building that was weak?  I remember standing before him and looking at him holding back tears…wishing that he wouldn’t go.  I remember thinking that it seemed so crazy to risk your life for this.  17 years later and I now understand.  I understand the yearning he had to help others.  I understand the adrenaline that he felt when he was successful at finding one person safe.  I understand the need to help save someone. 

I must have learned from him because I constantly wonder about my purpose in life.  Was I meant to sit at a desk and perform daily tasks for the better of the business?  What purpose am I serving and will I leave this world feeling like I brought value?  

My dad died in 1997.  I still miss him every day and I am still reminded of the “mark” he made in the world.  Over 500 people attended his funeral, stories still roll off the lips of many about his heroic behaviors, and awards are still given yearly in his honor.  I have a great deal to live up too.  I fear as I watch the news and see the devastation that I have failed at truly finding my purpose/calling.  I feel that I am not truly “fixing” all that I can!  So today, if you have a moment, stop and think of the people that are suffering today in Japan.  Think about the mothers, fathers, and children that have lost someone to the devastation.  Think of how fortunate we are today sitting at our desk with power, food, cell phone service, and clean water.  Appreciate the moment.  Go home teach your children to appreciate the moment.  Then take one last task to think of what you can do to make your “mark” in the world.  It is not about the almighty dollar or the big house on the hill.  It is about what you leave behind.  It is about what people say when you aren’t looking and what people feel when you are gone.  I hope that someday, one of you will say “You turned my life around” or “You were always there for me”.  I hope that I can make the “mark” without trying.  I am just “Keeping it REAL”  Hugs to Japan and the families that I will be thinking about tonight…

To Fear or not to Fear?

This is an interesting question. I often find myself striving to overcome my fears.  Whether it is my fear of heights or my fear of being in a small space, I will always push myself to a point before giving up.  I will walk almost to the edge before backing away or I will crawl into a small space to get a  ball that the kids got trapped.  The entire time shaking and wishing I wasn’t in the situation but still progressing forward.  However, when it comes to “life”; I tend to avoid the fears.  I find myself fearing a social life more than jumping out of a plane.  At least when you jump out of a plane, you have a parachute to pad your fall right?  But what shelters you when you head out to the local gathering alone?  What shelters you when the conversation goes dry or everyone is busy talking to others?  Some would say the beer takes away the fear.  Well, that can be correct in many circumstances, but you can’t do that all the time.  Or can you?

As always, I reached out to my Facebook friends with the question of the day, “What do you fear the most in life?” I thought it would be best to share (as always):

“Oh please....more like what DON'T I fear! LOL”

“Oh here we go with the questions. I fear your Q's”

“Clowns and Broccoli”

“I fear not having the guts to say what i really want to. seems like it would be so easy, but it's just not in "that" moment, to say what you need to”

I also found it most humorous that the most outgoing friend I have feared my questions. It was probably a “funny” but in most cases the questions do make you stop and question yourself, your actions, and your overall life.  So guess I could understand that fear.  But the last comment struck a chord and made me realize what my true fear was.    It is not the fear of speaking or the fear of a new environment.  It is the complete fear of the response that I may receive.  I mean my friend has a point.  If I say what I “want” and get a response of “no you can’t”…Wow that would be harsh. Right?  It is like telling someone you love them for the first time.  Do you say it if you only have less than 80% confidence that they feel the same way?  Heck no!  Or that guy that you hang out with on occasion, do you tell him you like him more without confidence that the feeling will be reciprocated?  Probably not!  My best friend of course said the following: “I fear the unknown. I can handle what is in front of me, its the "what if's. Yes, I'm a control freak soooo .....what do you expect”.  Organization does play some part in it but I also think she too is on the same wave length as most of us.  So there is a fear of “spoken” word.  Yup that’s right…I only want the answers that I deem the correct answer. If I think that the answer could sway, I will not ask the question.  I am just “KEEPING it REAL”