Is there really a perfect age or time in life?

I was pondering what question to ask on Facebook on Friday and decided to make it simple. The question of the day was:  “If you could be any age again for one week, what age would it be”.  Little did I know that the answer that I thought of on Friday would soon change.  Amazing how we don’t realize until we truly stop and have a “moment”.  As you know from my previous post from Sunday, I definitely had a moment….

Most responses that I received were ages within the 20’s.  Most responded with comments that they would go back to a certain week and make better financial/business decisions based on what they know now.  Others basically wanted one week of time before children so they could truly value the time of “unknowing”.   I definitely can relate to that!  I remember the feeling I had before John was born.   I could tell everyone over and over but you wouldn’t believe me until you have a child.  There is nothing worse than your own child’s cry/scream.  I also had the one person that always just picks a random answer without any thought..”32.5 I just thought is sounds like a good number” I often wonder if he truly just picks a number or just doesn’t want to admit that there is some symbolic or emotional attachment to that age.  I continue to try and read people like this but find this “emptiness” in them and worry that maybe they are just so broken that they may never truly be able to trust or communicate.  I guess time will tell..  Overall, the majority just wanted to be young...

Now, my answer and why it changed will come as no surprise to those that know and love me.  On Friday, I instantly said 21.  Sounds good right?  I picked this age because I remembered the fun of being officially legal to do anything but still young enough to have fun.  I also thought how nice it would be to spend time with my dad again.  I often wonder what he would say….    Well, after my dilemma on Sunday; I realize that there is NO WAY I want to go back, not even for even 1 week.  As I sat alone at the bar of a local restaurant, I realized that I like exactly where I am now.  If I went back, would I change who I was or what I did?  How could I?  I also realized that at that time, I was very insecure and desperately seeking acceptance. Today, I am who I am and I am proud of what I have become. Today, I realize that the only person that has to accept me..is me!   So my answer is 38 and moving….  I would turn down the opportunity even if it was just for a week…. I never want to go back. I want to keep moving forward into the unknown.  Wishing for great things for my children and hoping that I will someday find peace in all that I have accomplished.  As always, I am just “Keeping it REAL” and I hope that you will too…

I am not READY and it is OK….

As many know, I spend a great deal of my time at my best friend’s house.  With that being said, both she and her husband enjoy living through me in my crazy dating (or lack thereof) experiences.  One night after a few glasses of “something”, we ended up on match.com.  I was registered and a paying customer before I knew what hit me. 

I soon found out what this new craze was all about.  I wrote my bio, added my interests and we were off and winking.  Little did I know that there are a few different types of men on match.com.  You have the single for a reason, troubled, and unresponsive.  I can say it is not the place to meet your soul mate.  It is a good place; however, to meet people with similar issues.  I now know why so many people have stated that it is a “rite of passage”.    I can also say that I made it through two months, 6 men,  and $70.00 and NEVER managed to have an actual date out of any of the contacts.  Oh well, I guess there is one thing I learned:  I could have saved 70.00 and just posted my email address on a men’s bathroom wall with “For an ear to vent, scream, or talk dirty in…  email me at XXXX”  I probably would have had a better success rate and wouldn’t have had to deal with all the emotions.  Although, I would have probably had to deal with the occasional calls for more toilet paper!

Anyway, this brings me to my thought for the day.  I remember everyone always telling me that you will soon move on and the troubled past would be forgotten.  I know now that that is not the case for many women (at least not this woman).  I finally agreed after several chat sessions and two phone conversations to meet “Mr. X” for coffee.  He seemed nice enough and was fun to talk too.  So, I made plans for the kids, worked through the nerves, and prepared to meet him.  I got ready to head out and decided to send a friendly text to make sure all was “ok”.  45 minutes before our meeting time and a message comes across “I am at my brothers and probably won’t be able to make it”  “I will call you on my way home”.  Now normally, most people would say “OK, no big deal”.  Not me, I felt all those emotions come back from my past relationships.  I felt that feeling of always having to “understand”.  I held my head up and continued out the door.  I never once looked back and I never told anyone that my so called “date” canceled.  As I drove to town, I felt the tears falling.  Remembering all the forgotten birthdays, the nights left alone, the unknown disappearances.  I realized that at that moment, we do not leave it behind us and it still hurts like hell!  It is in us and will always be a moment in time.  I headed to the local restaurant for a glass of “something”.  I sat and thought about all that just happened and realized..  I am different now.  I don’t need to have a relationship and sure don’t need to settle.   I finished my drink, went shopping for groceries, and headed to my “safe” place. 

When I got to my besties house, with tears in my eyes; I said “I am not ready and I may never be ready”  However, for the first time in my life; I realized..That it is OK to feel that way.    So, I am “Keeping it REAL”!  You may move on from your past, but you will never fully forget what you learned.    If you were to forget it, you would never truly find your happiness.    It is acceptable to reflect on the past as long as you don’t live in it or dwell on it.  Use it as your resource to work towards the future.    I to will get past this and reflect back on this day and remember it as a stepping stone to perfection.

Keeping it REAL

We are all going to die. We just don’t know when…

I woke up this morning thinking about what life would be like if I knew it was coming to an end.  What would I do before I die?  How would I protect my children?  Would they be OK without me?  This soon brought me to the big question.  “Would you like to know the day you’re going to die ahead of time?  Why or why not?” 

I am sure many have wondered or at least thought of this.  Right?  So as always, I hit Facebook early in the morning and posted the question.  I was not surprised by the responses, but remember I merely posted the question without any thoughts or opinions. This is a very sensitive question and many would ponder on it before answering.  Some didn’t even answer and I could only assume that is because they either: didn’t get online to read it or couldn’t decide based on the feedback from others.  Of course, my “bestie” responded with “Deep very deep”.  Her response could be of a religious response or just merely that she had consumed too much Nyquil to overcome her cold.  Either way, I shuddered offer her rebellion as I do with 5% of her aggressive coaching. I find her points very valid, but easier said than done.   (my best friend is a counselor…free guidance is great)

I thought it only appropriate to share with you some of the responses, before I justify my “Yes” answer. So below are just a few that I received:

“no I like to live to enjoy life and don't want to know when it will end.”

“No. I like surprises.”

“HECK NO! I'm a planner, can't be spontaneous, do you KNOW what that knowledge would do to a person like me? YIKES!”

“I wouldnt want to know, I enjoy love and laugh as much as I can with my family, I dont look back to see what I can change, only what I have learned. Knowing would make me worry and that would take away some of the joy! So no not knowing for me and cherrishing everything everyday is the way to live life. enjoy life!!!”

“No.. Don't wanna know.. When your number is up it's up. Can't change it so you gotta live your life to the fullest and try not to worry because truly it's out of your control anyway.”

Now, my thoughts on this….  Do we not worry every day about health and wealth?  Do we not wonder every time we have an ache or pain that it may be more serious?  Have we not stopped and thought about our mortality when we lose a friend from a heart attack, cancer, or an accident?  Everyone at some point in life has wondered..”When will I die?”.  We all want to know in some backwards way.  Otherwise, why do we get a physical?  I know most say it is to stay healthy. However, if they found something; you would want to know right?  And the next question would probably be: “How long do I have?”.   So there is my thoughts, contrary to how we respond, when it comes down to it.. I am just “Keeping it REAL”.  If you go to the doctor regularly and you ask yourself the question of when… you may be more likely to change your mind when the answer is truly available.  It doesn’t matter how hard we try, we can never live life to its fullest on a daily basis.  We only truly appreciate it when we fear that we are about to lose it.

2011 is the YEAR

First, I must admit I am a Facebook junky!!  I find it very interesting to read about my friend’s lives on Facebook.  Every day I go online to find out who is new to a relationship, who is struggling with day to day hardships, and who is clearly posting happy thoughts to hide some inner troubles.  I mean come on…Lets Keep it REAL.  No one has a perfect life consisting of a perfect spouse, a perfect house, perfect children, and an overall perfect story.  We all have ups and downs and we all yearn for improvement.  Right? 

For months, I posted notes reflecting my depression from going through a divorce and adapting to being a single mom.  I guess in all of it, I was looking for people with common problems or that can relate to the struggles that come with my decisions.  I am not sure it helped. I think it was more a mechanism of self venting, much like keeping a journal.  I found more gratification in being smacked around by my best friend and getting the “truth hurts” feedback then I did from my Facebook buddies.  Even though I came to an understanding that this was NOT the place to vent, I still found myself searching out others and wondering.  Has it been this rough for them?  Do they scream at their children when they lose it?  How do they handle their ex-husband?  I wonder if they are really happy.  I then decided it was time to get out the big girl panties and act like an adult.  I could turn this around and in return I may even be able to turn it around for others.  That ended the 2010 year and I decided 2011 IS going to be my year!

2011 came in strong as I started a new job, joined match.com, quit smoking (again) and began going out once a week without the kids.  Now this was definitely a shock to the system.  Although many would say I am a very social person (no comments on this one). I still found myself wanting to stay in my comfort zone.  I was seriously starting over and it is terrifying to me!   If anyone knows my personality type, my biggest fear is not being accepted or being critiqued.  Yup, believe it or not..I know I am not perfect..Hence the Lets keep it REAL motto..

I also decided to blog my experiences in 2011, so everyone can laugh, cry, and relate to the many challenges of starting over.  And remember, after reading this; if I can do this anyone can!

So here’s to a successful or at least eventful 2011!