The STRUGGLE.....

I often find myself having to work hard to prove my capabilities, whether in work, parenting, or even just in being a friend. I also think to myself “does everyone else have to work this hard?”.  Today is a day that I am pondering my personality and what makes me the “worker on a mission that goes nowhere”.

Why am I thinking about this today?  I guess it was the long day at work and the struggle to watch others get ahead without any other action but “talk”.   I was always brought up to work hard and you will benefit from your dedication, commitment, and drive.  However, it seems like that is not always the case.

In my previous job, there were obstacles and challenges throughout the job.  I was constantly struggling to keep my head up and the business going with minimal “worker bees”.  I remember even making phone calls from home just to attempt to collect on past due accounts. I saw others sit and complain and show little activity.  I even saw them refuse to work over the weekend or after 6pm.  I would hear “I have plans”.  I was constantly puzzled by all of it and continued to struggle to prove my value once the company changed leadership.  I never understood why I had to struggle to show my capabilities and dedication to the business success.  Although a challenge and a definite learning lesson, I will say that when I left; those that thought I brought no value are still in my contact file.  I also feel confident that they soon learned the dedication that I gave to attempting to succeed.   

Now, I find myself doing the same thing in my current position.  I hear “chatter” and “lots of talk”.  I see people getting the spotlight with minimal “action” to reflect the justification.  I wonder why this happens.  I wonder if it is because I don’t blow hot air out of my mouth just to show that I am there.  I wonder if it is because I am a single mother or just a woman in general.  I wonder if it will ever change.

So here I sit today…  Bitter and defeated!  Do I struggle again to prove my value and refuse to go down without a positive impression?  Do I surrender to the complete exhaustion from all of this and start looking for a new opportunity?

For today, I will not “play” the game.  I will not be the kind of person that corporate America expects you to be to succeed.  For today, I am going to be me.  I am going to do exactly what I need to do and go home to my children, my family, and my backyard.

As for my advice, today I am speaking out to all the working mothers.  I feel your pain and I too struggle every day to “prove” that I can be both a mom and a successful career woman.  I am not sure why the struggle appears greater for us, but don’t give up.  It is not about what “they” think of you..It is about what YOU think of YOU!  Work your best to be a good employee, a good co-worker, a good mother, and a good friend… and NOT in that order! 

Thankful that tomorrow is Friday.  Thankful that bestie will be back on Saturday.  Thankful that we are all healthy and enjoying time in the backyard!  Keep it REAL people!  Don’t be fake, don’t play the corporate games…be exactly who you WANT to BE!

I am NOT letting go…

As I look back on the weekend, I am beginning to realize how much I truly try to “hide” from my children. I guess it was the way I was brought up or it is just the fact that I cannot endure seeing them hurt. It was a weekend of dog sitting for my bestie and normally it is an easy and fun task. However, things took a turn on Sunday…

I love watching my besties dogs and have been attached to her one dog for over 10 years (this tells you his age). The other dog is still in “puppy” phase and becomes a complete play toy for my daughter. As we got up on Sunday, I just knew something was wrong. I walked by him (the older dog) and he just raised his head. I tried to coax him into the kitchen and he wanted no part of it.

I decided to let him relax and figured he was just tuckered out from all the activities on Saturday (going up and down my stairs). By 11AM, I decided he needed to, at least; go to the bathroom, so I decided to leash him and take him out the front (only 3 steps). He took the first step and I watched him struggle. As we got to the second and third step, he stopped and wanted no parts of it. At this point, I looked at his pack legs and knew that is where he was feeling the pain.

I picked him up (a struggle) and carried him to the yard. He tried to walk a few steps and decided to just stop. I sat on the ground next to him and looked in his eyes. He looked so tired and totally “beat”. I am not sure what came over me, but at that moment; I lost it.

I held him in my arms and cried. Yup, I cried right there in my front yard with my bestie’s dog in my arms. I cried because I wasn’t ready to let go. I thought of all the memories both good and bad that surrounded this creature. Many would probably say “it is just a dog”, but I realized at that moment; that he is more than “just a dog”. Through his eyes, he saw all the many life challenges that we all went through. He is the guardian of the house, the alarm when you are late, the comfort blanket when you are sad, the instant vacuum for any unwanted crumbs, and most importantly the pillow to hide your pain. As I nuzzled in his fur, I had flashes of all the memories. I thought of the day that they brought him home. He was a ball of love with kennel cough. He was last of the litter but the best in our eyes. I remembered the day that my bestie brought her son home for the first time and how he instantly went into “protective mode”. I remembered the backyard compound that we built and the laughter that went with watching him bark at every smell and sound. I remember going through colic with my son and having him to nuzzle with as my bestie took over to give me a break. I remembered watching him struggle after deciding to eat an entire plate of unwatched hot dogs and hamburgers. The thoughts went on and on and I realized that I wasn’t ready to let go of any of those memories…

As I carried him back inside, I saw the tears rolling down the cheeks of my little girl. She wanted to know why he couldn’t walk and wanted me to fix him. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn’t. We sat and cried together, as I contemplated what to do. His breathing was good… He was eating… He was drinking… He is NOT ready to GO!

After tears and conversations, my bestie’s mom and dad came and got my “old friend” and took him with them. The tears rolled from both me and my daughter as her dad carried him out. I just kept watching him and praying that my intuition was correct and that he just needed medicine.

They got his arthritis medicine filled and as of today..HE IS DOING GREAT! After all of this, I have realized one thing.. I have so many good memories and it took my “old friend” to realize it. I tend to focus on the bad and on this day…he made me stop and remember the good.

So in Keeping it REAL, it shouldn’t take a scary or sad moment to remember the “good”. Although I am glad that it all came back to me…. We should all focus on the good in the past and only learn from the “forgettable”. After all, life is much like an elevator. You must accept the delay in waiting for the doors to open. You must accept the doors opening on the wrong floor. And most importantly, you must accept the pit in your stomach as the elevator (life) carries you up to your destination. You may feel impatient or like you may never get there, but eventually you will reach the penthouse “happiness” and it will be worth the wait!

Honesty...

I read an interesting quote the other day and decided to share it on FB.  I received some “likes” and definitely got some reactions from the “men”.  The quote was a reaction to a conversation that went on the night before.  The quote was “If you want to know if a man is honest, ask him.  If he says “yes”, he is crooked” When I found the quote my instant reaction was laughter, but I soon found myself analyzing it and realized it is VERY true. The only thing that I should have added was that this applies to both men and women. 

Some of the reactions I received were as follows:

                You go girl

                Don’t be a man hater

                Boy, who made you mad today

                Calm down

So, my response to the feedback is “YES”.  I definitely was reflecting on a conversation with a particular person.  I realized within those minutes of conversation that the responses that I was receiving were the complete opposite to reality.  I realized in those moments, once again; I was more gullible then I thought.  After all, I try to find the “good” in all and hope for the best in every situation.  I am not innocent, but I am trusting to a fault. 

However, my post was a reflection on “all” people.  I remember having conversations about “always telling the truth” and how hard it really is to be completely honest.  In prior posts, I recommended that we all try it for a day and see how very hard it can be. 

So in Keep it REAL, I apologize for not referencing “all humans”.  I will also say that when asked if I am an “honest” person, I would say “I try my best to be honest”.  This is the proper answer from someone who admits, she is not perfect.  As to my followers, you will know when someone is being dishonest.  It is your decision whether or not you want to “call it out”, “let it go”, or “run like Forest Gump”.  As for me, I am learning every day EXACTLY what I don’t want in my life.....  I can’t wait to find EXACTLY what I deserve.  As I continue to live life in the backyard...removing the “weeds” can be a challenge, but in time; the flowers will multiply and the “weeds” will soon fade….Can’t wait until my garden is full of “happiness”

Lost and Found....

School is out and I still find myself searching the “Lost and Found”.  However, this is not the one outside the principal’s office.  This is the one that hides deep within.  The only difference you ask?  Today I am lost and still searching for the “found” location in hopes that the answer will be there.

As I continue to talk my way through life as a single mom, I often find myself making decisions and at that exact moment realizing that those decisions will result in a second attempt or complete failure.  I often wonder if my children sense the victory of life’s obstacles or if they even notice that I am completely “defeated” and struggling to get my grounding again.

Today is one of those “reflection” days.  Today is a day where I sit and ponder on my “decisions”, my “circle”, and my “future”.  I wonder if the path that I am following is the correct path for me and what the future will look like. I wonder what my children are thinking and if they feel “complete” in the current family dynamic.  I wonder if my career is really going in the direction that will lead to happiness or am I just “treading” for a paycheck.  Today is THAT day….

I am not sure what triggered this “turn of events” or if it is completely normal to feel “lost” on occasion. It might have been a conversation with a friend last night or could just be a passing moment.  I am struggling to step back and re-group, but I find myself falling back on those “situations” that are not healthy for me.  I find myself living two lives….the one that is a provider, mother, and friend, and then there is the OTHER one…the one that wants to be wild, adventurous, and SINGLE.  Now we all know that those two personalities cannot “mix” and that is where the challenge begins!  Is it a healthy to walk through life switching between two pairs of shoes?  Can I continue segregating my life between “Ms Responsible” and “Ms Adventurous”? At what point do the two people merge and become a content and satisfied “me”?

So in Keeping it REAL, I am definitely finding that “me” is very lost.  It is another one of those days where I need to sit back and think about what “me” is today and how to get to the “me” that has been hiding for so long.  As for my advice, it is the same advice I give every time I am lost…Keep searching and trust your instinct and then your heart…..  Looking forward to spending time in the “backyard”!  

Making a List…

 

I rushed home last night to take my daughter to her swimming lessons and as luck would have it they cancelled the lessons due to weather!  No worries, I quickly redirected and organized more activities.  When we got home from the no lesson event, the kids had sat down during the day and made a list of “what I want to do this summer”.  

I was amazed when I looked at my daughters list.  She has grown so much since that first day of kindergarten.  Although some words were misspelled, she did a fabulous job.  I began to read her list out loud and found myself emotional at the little things that she wanted to do.  Here are just a few:  ride her bick (bike), swim in the pool, play with her cats, wach (watch) her lizards (lizards), and go to the beech (beach). What held me for a moment was that every other “wish list” item was “spend time with momy(mommy)” and “love momy (mommy)”.  

My sons list followed the same pattern of activities that he normally entertains himself with.  I also have to point out that his handwriting gets smaller and smaller and smaller each year. I felt even more humbled as I worked my way through his list.  His list included: riding his bike, going to Monticello, swimming in the pool, watch car racing, and playing video games.  He too included fillers of “spend time with mom”, “have friends over”, and “relax”.  

As I sat on my porch last night watching the storm pass through, I started thinking about the “list”.  Their lists were simple to accomplish and my mother is ready to conquer and check off all the fun activities.  My only thought…I won’t be able to enjoy being a part of most of them. For one moment, I started to feel sorry for myself and them….but then I stopped and realized what the list really meant.  Most of the activities were followed by a “love mommy” or “spend time with mommy”.  I realized that the list was full of fillers to occupy their time until we were together. They weren’t big plans, just simple daily activities that they know they can conquer when they are not with me.   I get it and it is time that I realize that “they get it”. 

I continued to sit and watch the lightning and listened to the “boom” of thunder and began making my list.  The list of what I want to conquer this summer.  I began to laugh and smile as I wrote out all the things that we will do from 6PM until 9PM on Monday through Friday…and the entire day for Saturday and Sunday.  I even put in some funny ones that will send my children “at least my son” into a complete tirade. 

As with everything, I thought I would share the list in hopes that you too will build a list of ventures for your summer.  So, here is a “wish list” for a single mother of 2:

1.       Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

2.       Successfully attend my daughters swimming lessons

3.       Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

4.       Teach my daughter to ride her bike without training wheels

5.       Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

6.       Organize Saturday play dates for my children

7.       Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

8.       Organize and successfully have our yearly Minute to Win It Family event

9.       Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

10.   Take time to play video games with my son

11.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

12.   Take my son on the trail for a bike ride

13.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

14.   Buy and successfully launch fireworks

15.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

16.   Go Kart racing

17.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

18.   Go to the beach

19.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

20.   Practice multiplication table with my son

21.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

22.   Read a book with my daughter

23.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

24.   Writing lessons with my son

25.   Spend time with my children in the “backyard”

So, there you have it!  In Keeping it REAL, it is not about the cost of the venture, but the time spent together.   I hope that I can accomplish all of my sons, my daughters, and my “wish lists for the summer of 2011”. After all…It all begins and ends in the “backyard”.    And my suggestion for the day, MAKE A LIST….  You can always add to the list….but being a single parent brings chaos and if you don’t..the summer will be over and you will feel as if you accomplished nothing...Happy Hump Day and may you live, laugh, and venture out of the norm this week!

Happiness in Groups….

Last night was an interesting night.  I rushed home to take my daughter to swimming and then rushed around to provide one last “fun” event before bed time.  It was overall a busy day/night, so the kids were in bed by 8PM and I found myself laying in bed thinking.  

I remember my first counseling session and how frustrated the counselor was because I didn’t put “me” first.  She would sit and listen to me talk about my children, my family, and my friends.  She was soon criticizing me for not putting my happiness first.  I realized after four months of counseling and LOTS of money, that I was not happy unless those around me were happy.  Interesting right?  I left my counseling sessions deciding that I would work on finding “me” and focusing on my “happiness”.  So what did I do?  I got a divorce…and started to rebuild my life.

Now, here I am 1 year later and I find that I am not complete unless I am surrounded by “happiness”.  I am not saying I have full closure on the “me” but I am saying the final chapter involves others.  Is it my desire to make a difference?  Is it my motherly instinct?  Is it just easier to help others find it versus looking for my own? 

As I relaxed in bed last night, I thought of the friends that I have surrounded myself with in the last year.  I think of all the “moments” that we went through together.  I think of their progress (or lack thereof).  I then realized that we all have similar types of friends.  I remember the movie Breakfast Club..  It was a great movie and definitely had valid points on how diversity builds true bonds. Right?

So today, I am thinking of my circle of friends and posting my wish for their future….

Ms. Lost:  I hope you realize what you have to offer and build your confidence to GO FIND IT..  To you, I wish for strength and a map that leads you on your journey

Ms. Searching:  I hope you will find the internal peace that allows you to build “me” confidence because until you truly love “me”, your search will yield no results.  To you, I wish for confidence and comfort in loneliness

Ms. Fear:  I hope you find the strength and confidence to take the chance. You have found love and should not fear the “what if” or divorce fear.  To you, I wish you the strength/confidence to say “YES”

Mr. Unhappy:  I hope you take a moment to reflect on what you have and what you could have.  If change is your wish…stop waiting and make the move.  If you want to make it work, SPEAK UP.  You are expressing your issues/concerns/unhappiness to those that cannot make the change.  Talk to HER!  To you, I wish that you could have time (time to be alone to find your “happiness”). 

Ms. Lacking Confidence: I hope you will see what a beautiful women you are.  I hope you will let down your “tough” barrier and let yourself be the caring and compassionate person that I know.  To you, I hope for “trust” in those that are worth trusting and a mirror that shows you what I see.

Mr. Insecure:   I hope you will take time to see how great a person you are…  You are not ugly, fat, and a jerk.  You are a great father, friend..and someday a great boyfriend (she must be pre-approved).  To you, I hope for confidence in your personal life.   I wish that you would just say “thank you” when you hear a compliment, but more importantly; I wish you would believe the words that you hear. 

Mr. Alive: I hope you continue to work on showing your feelings.  I hope you succeed at fighting your battle of addiction.  You should be proud.  To you, I wish for sobriety and the voice that can heard from the outside. 

Now, why is this the focus for today?  I realized as I pondered on my “circle of friends”, every wish I had for them is a piece of me.  I am all of these insecurities rolled up into one!  I also realized that this journey is all about “me”. As I push them to be found, fearless, happy, and secure I am also “healing”.  After all, it was my “Search” that brought us together. 

In Keeping it REAL, they say it is important to put “me” first.  They say that “me” should always be the priority in decisions, actions, and thoughts.  However, I realized that “me” is a product of all those that surround me.    I feel confident in saying that if you put others first, you will learn from their experiences (both good and bad) and you will “grow” into the “me” that is happy, secure, fearless, confident, and alive.   I feel that my search is almost complete…  I walked with confidence last night for the first time in 3 years!   Life is great in the backyard….but venturing out can be fun too!!!