Check UP...

So the long weekend break is over and the sunshine appears to be here to stay.  We enjoyed grilling, campfires, and pool time the entire weekend.  It is so good to see the kids laughing and having fun with friends.   As I sat and enjoyed time socializing with a friend, I pondered on what a co-worker said to me last week.   I always struggle when others make a statement and I know deep in my heart it is VERY true.

In our office, we are limited on space so we literally sit very close.  On a daily basis, I share my weekly experiences with my co-worker and find myself asking guidance such as “What am I doing wrong” or “Do I look naïve and stupid?”  He usually sits and listens, laughs, and then says “where do you meet these people”.  This time, it was different.

I gave my full story of the night outing and he instantly decided to give some hard core feedback.   He said “I see your future.  You are going to get married again and you will be divorced again”.  I was shocked!  He said “you select people that are at a different economic status then you”.  He asked me why I do that…  It was a good question and I could only respond with “control”.  He then looked at me with a serious and agitated but humorous look and said “you need a checkup from the neck up”.   I laughed it off and found myself sharing the story with my friends over the weekend.

However, the more that I told the story; the more nauseated I became about the reality of what he said.  I always thought that it was that I felt that I was not “worthy” of the equal economic status relationship. I would often tease that I am to “country” to be with a “suit”.   But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it might be more of a “control” and/or “power” experience for me.  I have been attracted to men that are smarter or make more money, but I never let it go past “attraction”.  I never see the potential for a “real” relationship.  So is it a power trip?  Am I destined to find myself a regular at the lawyer’s office?  Should I just commit at this very moment to never make the move towards marriage?  Is it possible to be attracted to the “wrong type” of man forever? 

On Sunday night, I had the pleasure of “adult” company for the night.  I soon found that I was talking about being single and finding my place. I struggle every day with “where do I fit in”.  I have some wonderful friends, but I can’t continue to hang out with the “couples” and realize that the 3^rd or 5^th wheel is not always a comfortable spot.  I felt the emotions overwhelm me as I talked of not knowing where to go, what to do, and who I should do it with.  I realized I was bitter that my ex was already in a relationship and that I still struggled with just finding me.  I was angry that every man that I have met has either been untruthful, married, or not convenient.   I was truly hitting the bottom of the pit and was hoping that someone would reach down and pull me out.   I continued to wonder if this was “it” and should I just stop trying to find “more”.

So in Keeping it REAL, today is one of those days….  I have no advice and have no solution.  In all honesty, I am more lost today then I was 6 months ago.  Even in a “good year”, you have bad days and today is one of them.  My only thought is that in the search for “me”, sometimes you get lost or take the wrong path.   I guess I will give myself a “check up from the neck up”, look forward, and keep moving…  Happy Tuesday..

Memorial Day....

We are off and running with play dates, cookouts, and social time with family and friends.  I always find it funny when I have no plans as of Wednesday but by Thursday the calendar is booked!  It definitely feels everyone has put away the travel book and decided to sit tight at home for this one. 

When my daughter came home from school today, she was full of bubbles and happiness because she has “three days off”.  We all jumped around the house and talked of the crazy schedule we were about to succumb too.  She talked of cookouts, fireworks, play dates, and sleepovers.  Not once, did she talk of the true meaning/purpose of “Memorial Day”.

As we finished the wrap up of plans, I decided to ask her if she knew what we were celebrating.  I was a little surprised that they have not discussed it in school, but I also take blame for my failed communication in regards to the up and coming festivities… 

This is when I decided to tell her all about Memorial Day.  I explained about “veterans”, “war”, and “recognition”.  She looked at me puzzled and said “mommy does that mean that when the war is over, we will stop this celebration?”  I, of course; told her that we will always have the holiday to remember those that gave their lives, those that were hurt, and those that survived.   She then told me that we should have something better to eat.  That they were worth much more than a yucky old hot dog (that’s my girl)

So this Memorial Day celebration is going to consist of steak versus the standard hot dog and hamburger.  We will also celebrate with a moment of reflection and one last prayer/hope for peace and an end to this un-ending war against terrorism.

So in Keeping it REAL, don’t forget to teach the “TRUE” meaning behind memorial day.  There is so much more to it than just “the day the pool opens” Take a moment and reflect on why we celebrate and please don’t forget to spread the word to the children in your lives.  As you are cooking hot dogs, hamburgers, or downing your favorite drink of “something”, stop and:

Remember all that we lost

Remember all that are permanently injured

Remember all the children who lost a parent to war

Remember all the wives that buried their husbands

Remember all that are still out there fighting for peace

Remember that our soldiers are not celebrating… 

I hope everyone has a safe and thought provoking Memorial Day Holiday…

Chronic Soreness

Last night was a typical Wednesday night.  I soon found myself at home and realized, once again; I drank too much coffee..OOPs!  I found myself socializing with a good friend and we soon got on the conversation of “physical pain”.  The conversation all started with the discussions of what “pain killers” and “muscle relaxers” do to your body and how necessary they can soon become. 

As we continued the conversation, I soon found myself asking “what exactly do you have wrong with you?” As we all know, I am very straight forward (to a fault).  Now, what I was expecting was one of the following: arthritis, sports injury, or fell off a ladder.  What I got made for a moment of humor. He piped up in a serious voice and said “I have chronic soreness”.  I absolutely lost it at that moment and found myself laughing hysterically. All types of “real issues” continued to flow through my head, but the bottom line was that he was probably suffering from something a little more serious.

So what do I think he is suffering from?  I feel confident in saying that he is suffering from “Getting OLDER”.(notice I did not say OLD)  As I continued to listen to his explanations of the struggles of climbing ladders, working above his head, climbing back down ladders, and then finally carrying supplies, I realized that this was a product of wishing he could still do what he did in his younger days.  He also referred on many occasions to “keeping up with the younger guys”. 

I couldn’t help but laugh as I listened. I realized that this is the first time that I have seen men compete in the world that woman compete in every day.  What do I mean by this?  During my entire career path, I have always competed to be better than or at least as good as a man.  Constantly, we (woman) struggle with the drive to compete in an environment where men dominate and woman with children are “monitored”.  How are they similar?

He is trying to compete “physically” with a younger generation.  It doesn’t matter how hard he works, he will always have less stamina then a 20 something man.  As for women, no matter how hard we work to prove our “value” and exceed the successes of men…we will not because our “children” will always be our first job/career (if you are doing right by your children). 

So in Keeping it REAL, “Chronic Soreness” is not a medically treated condition.  It is also OK to not be the best or better than everyone else.  It is only important to try YOUR best and remember…You will always get OLDER and you must give in and stop when you feel the aches and pains to remind you!  If you don’t, you will be forced to take pain medications with side effects such as:  Constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; flushing; lightheadedness; mental/mood changes; nausea; vision changes; and vomiting.  After seeing this list, don’t you think it is just better to S-L-O-W down and feel the pain?  Happy Thursday (BRING on the 3 DAY WEEKEND)

Always COMPARING......

After a long weekend of lawn work, kid activities, and house cleaning, I found myself completely exhausted on Monday night.  I guess eventually it catches up with you when you try to do it ALL!  It could also be the fact that I have lots of “junk” swarming my head (don’t worry Bestie..I didn’t forget to take it).  My thought for the night before I went to sleep was about comparing. My question of the day to myself was “will I always compare other men to my ex husband?”

I am not sure if this is normal or if it is a deep rooted fear that I will find myself attracted to the same type of personality…  I keep telling myself that this is just because I had spent so much time with him.  However, in reality; I am only comparing the negatives.

I find myself watching their drinking habits and asking “is it excessive” and wonder if they “sit on the couch all day and drink while watching television”.  I even find myself referring to the behaviors of my ex during conversations and get the constant lash back “there you go again, comparing me to him”.  OOPS!  Now, I wouldn’t think much of it, but this has happened on more than one date and more than one occasion. 

The final issue came last night when I referred to my ex’s other “behaviors”.  I found that any conversation related to intimacy suddenly turned me into “stone”.   Is it that I am not ready for that type of conversation or am I again..fearing the worst (another freak).  The conversation soon ended and I was off and running with blinders on and a decision to “not have these conversations again”. 

Now, the big question to myself..”Can I get past it? Will I ever move on?”  Of course, this will be the unanswered question that will probably leave me single for a long time.  But, I did come up with another “plan”.  And we all LOVE my plans…

So going forward, no more comparison to the ex, I am going to compare to “me”.  That IS the answer.  After all, I want to be with someone who likes to do the same things as me right?  So I am going to work on changing the negatives into positives.  I am going to look at what they have that is similar to me.  So here goes my wish list:

Enjoys being outside and staying busy

Believes that children should not be exposed to the drinking of “something”

Enjoys an adult night out (just not every night)

Enjoys making people happy (not all about “me” syndrome)

Loves my friends and wants to spend time with them (cause they aren’t going anywhere)

Enjoys 4wheeling and go kart racing (and wants the partner to be a part of it)

Is honest, to a fault (Tell the truth!)

Wants a best friend and not just a “partner”

Never says “no” (we all know what that is referring too)

Self sufficient and has a good job (I can’t afford to be the purse this time)

So there is the beginning of a work in progress.  I am sure I will add to it as I venture out in the wild and crazy dating scene next winter. (Yup, gonna take a break and focus on my “home”)  I also think that I need to do some soul searching and reflect on the last 5 months of the dating crazies.  I have treated this whole experience like riding a bike. You have to fall a few times before you find your balance.  I think I have now found my “balance” but need a break to let the bruises heal.

So in Keeping it REAL, as with riding a bike; don’t be afraid to try.  Make sure you focus on the bike (the person of interest) and your balance (your list of wants).  It may not be balance that is causing the fall; it might be that you are trying to ride a bike that is not the right fit for you!  Get UP, dust yourself off, and try again…  The bruises will heal and when you find the perfect “bike”, you will never want to stop riding the trail of life…  Happy Tuesday!

Sitting Back and Observing....

So last night was another “people watching” night.  I sometimes wonder if others think I am just extremely unfriendly or if they really get that I am taking it all in.  I always find it interesting to watch people and try and guess “what really makes you tick” or “wonder if they have a tragic story”.   Then there is those men that wonder the bar looking aimlessly for their next prey (this might just be me and my complete mistrust). Last night was a more mellow night and uneventful, but I still had a moment to sit back and ponder….

I couldn’t help and stop to think when I got home last night.  I wonder if they are all truly just looking for a fun night or are they on the ultimate mission of finding Mr. Right or Mrs. Awesome? I wonder if they truly are just looking for just one night of fun and move on.  I also wonder about those branding a wedding ring.  Are they looking for trouble?  Why do they come to a bar?  Does their spouse know?

As we sit at the table discussing “life”, we always find ourselves chatting about our ex-husbands/wives.  Whether it is the challenges of dealing with them on a day to day basis to the typical….he/she couldn’t stand me when we were together.  I often wonder if the bitterness will ever go away or will it only be removed by a better experience.  Not really sure, but it does seem to stay with us even after all this time. 

Then there are the married men (notice there aren’t any married women joining the table).  They sit and listen to the conversation and “vent” about lack of or issues with their wives.  Now, this is where I stop and stare..that is correct..I give the “I am listening look”.  One person even made a point to acknowledge that he was headed home..to sleep in his favorite spot “the spare bedroom”.  This is where I become puzzled.  Do men not face issues and attempt to make it better?  Do they not see that it is tumbling to the forever doom?  Do they just not care enough?  Maybe it is just the excitement of getting sympathy.  I just don’t truly understand their thought process.

Now, let me first say that I have always been surrounded by good friends that are men.  My best friend for years was a man and I always “hung with the guys”.  In all honesty, they are a lot of fun and totally less dramatic.  They seriously only have one focus in mind and that is to have a good time.  From hanging out in the field drinking “something” to shooting pool at the local pool hall, we always had a great time.  I never had to deal with “mistrust” or “you hooked up with my man”…LOL We just talked, laughed, consumed, and enjoyed the company.  I often miss those days, since marriage killed that one!

I got home last night about 9PM, so I had time to reflect.  I have finally figured it out! I put all the past and present experiences together and my “gosh” I got it! (or at least I will pretend like I do)  In the past, my “guy friends”, lived in the moment that is why it was so much fun.  There were no consequences, no after thoughts, and no second guessing their activities.   Now, you put that into a marriage and BAM!  Women “overanalyze” every situation (at least most..)  Men DON’T!  They are truly living in the moment!  A good friend of mine (a man of course), once said “stop living in the past and live for today”. Don’t ponder on yesterday and don’t worry about tomorrow.  I think this is a true reflection of a man’s thought process.  He doesn’t see what is “coming” and doesn’t realize that his actions will affect the future. He lives “now” and deals with the future when it becomes “now”. 

So the only question would be how do some marriages work in this environment?  Do women agree to change their thought process and work hard to live in the “now”?  Do men move closer to seeing the future?  This is still the unknown and can only truly be answered by those who have succeeded in having a successful and happy marriage.

So in Keeping it REAL, to all my friends with bitter experiences…try and try hard to “Be Here Now”. To all my friends who are struggling to keep their relationship together.. “For tomorrow belongs to the people who prepare for it today”…two completely different lessons and thoughts and there is a reason why.  For those struggling from the past, you have healing to do “now”, so live in the “now”.  For those wanting a future with the one they think they love, prepare for your future.  After all, you still have a chance to control your destiny.  As for me, I am working hard and just living for today……Thursday May 19, 2011!

Circle of Furry Friends....

So far, it has been a good week in regards to being a “mother”.  We have been struggling with behavioral issues and I finally decided it was time to “take back control”.  I had such a hard time with the decision to start enforcing restrictions because I felt that the children had been through so much already.  I soon found that they thrive in an environment that includes structure and consistency in all aspects of their daily life.  I think they are finally getting it and I found that the “outbreaks” are less and less each week.

Last night was another one of those nights where I watched my daughter play and sing.  My son was busy playing his video games (which he just received back from a two week restriction).  They both seemed so happy.  It was soon time for bed and I told my daughter to gather up and get ready. 

She agreed with minimal resistance and asked if she could sleep with her stuffed animals.  I told her “of course” and off she went to get her favorites (I won’t even tell you how many she has..ugh!)  I could still hear her singing as she made her decision.

When she came back to lay down, she had 7 stuffed animals. I watched her as she gathered them up and one by one, she built a circle around her with the stuffed animals.  She then crawled inside the circle of furry friends and lay down to prepare for a night of rest. 

I was puzzled by the way she organized her animals and curiosity got to me.  I found myself asking her “why are all your animals in a circle”.  She then looked at me and said “no one can get me if I am inside my circle of friends”.  At that point, I felt somewhat nauseated because I could not imagine being 6 years old and fearing that someone might get me.  I remember living “carefree” and feeling completely naïve to the bad in the world.  I had to continue the conversation…

I then asked who she was scared of and she started to ring her hands and said “the crazy men”.  Now, I could go into a million directions with this; but I won’t. I am only going to take on the part that is my responsibility and assume my words may have caused some of this.  Do I talk too much about men being “jerks”, “untrusting”, “worthless”, or just full of “untruths”?  Did someone scare her in the past?  Is this why she doesn’t talk to any of my friends that are men?  Does she watch the news too much?

I tried to reassure her of her safety.  I reminded her that “mommy protects her”. I also told her that anything she is feeling uncomfortable about she should tell me.  She just looked at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and said “Nope”.   She then did her typical snuggle up and fell fast asleep in the safety of my arms and her circle of furry friends….

So in Keeping it REAL, we are moving fast and furious towards counseling for my little girl.  I need to focus on rebuilding her confidence and trust in me.  I also am going to work, work, and work some more on not saying negative things about men.  I often forget that little ears only listen to what you don’t want them too.   As for my advice to those single moms out there, don’t forget to take time to watch your child play.  You might learn something new and it might open a door to the opportunity to really know your child in regards to their strengths, weaknesses, fears, and desires….  Happy “Hump” Wednesday!

Don't just say it...PROVE IT!

Yesterday was a slow day. I found myself texting and chatting with friends about the most basic of issues.  One friend was having a hard time, because he found out that a new hire was brought in at a higher pay rate than him.  He felt cheated and abused by his employer and found the need to “vent” and then request a meeting for that afternoon.  

As I was chatting with him, I thought of all the times in my past leadership positions that I was confronted by an unhappy employee.  Believe me; I had a lot of them!  In an effort to try and steer his approach, I tried to encourage him to wait, think it through, and then focus on a bigger picture.  We have all learned in our career days that money is not just handed out.  Once you are in, you have to move up or move out to see any significant increase in pay.   Contrary to my encouragement, he had the meeting and has a follow-up meeting with the owner.  I sure hope that by that time, he takes a piece of my advice with him.

I remember one particular occasion that reminds me of this.  I remember the conversation so well.  I was too focused on the anger/screaming and could not focus on the point the employee was trying to make.  I also remember thinking “I am under paid too”.  I remember wondering why people continue to focus on the “I am better than everyone else”.  I remember thinking “earn it”.  I now see things differently (maybe it is because I don’t have a person screaming in my face).  I am thinking that if you approach it the right way, you might find success!  It may not be immediate, but maybe that next opportunity for a promotion or at your end of year review.  You never know!

In Keeping it REAL, it is all in the approach!  Never go in with the “this person makes more than me” or “I am worth more”.  Go in with the approach of “I want to do more”. It goes a long way in a meeting, if you show the initiative to work harder, learn more, and provide more value to a company. After all, your boss only succeeds if you are doing your job above and beyond expectation and you only succeed if your boss acknowledges how good you made him/her look in the end of year business review. Right?    You MUST work as a team and if you stop pointing out others flaws, they will soon stop pointing out yours!! Remember...Don't just say it...PROVE IT!    Happy Tuesday….