It was all a Dream....

So last night was a restless night.  I kept thinking about a quote that continues to linger over me. It is a “goal” of such and yet at any point during my day seems very unattainable.  The quote is as follows “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.  If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.  If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place”.  I keep this quote at my desk and at home and I constantly look at it in hopes that I will someday…take the chance.

I always considered myself strong minded and dedicated but lately I have found myself to be more reserved and resistant to saying what I think/feel.  Maybe it is a result of being divorced or maybe it is just the fear of what I already know. 

At work, I find myself sitting back and watching the disarray unfold and yet cannot find the voice to speak up and attempt to organize the situation.  I find that being “not as technical” as everyone else puts me at a disadvantage or in a position where I “don’t know what I am talking about”.  Yes, I will “huddle” with co-workers (one on one) and say “we need to do this” or “why aren’t we moving forward”.  I quickly retract my statements when I get the look of “who do you think you are”.   I know that I can bring organization, motivation, and change…but after my previous experiences “I have lost my voice”. 

At home, I find myself falling into my routine. I find that when encouraged to find a hobby (ie: exercise class or other activity), I quickly respond with “no time” or “yeah right”.  Do I really not have time or is there a fear of failure?  Am I truly moving forward or am I standing still in the safety of my four walls?

At socials, I find myself turning down socials and opportunities to gather.  I am not sure why, but I keep drawing back and thinking….what will I get out of this?  What if I am not having fun?  What if they are not having fun?  I quickly make the decision to “not go” and then find myself wondering..”would we have had fun together”, “what did I miss”… 

I finally exhausted myself with my thoughts last night.  I decided that living by my quote is just too hard and I fail every time.  Sleep came before my last thought but the dream that followed turned into a reminder of what I need to work the most on…  Self Confidence.  Self Acceptance.  Self Worth.  Self Attitude.  It was one of those dreams that seem so real and I even woke up feeling all of the emotions involved in the encounter.  I woke up thinking “why did I do that”.

In my dream, I am meeting a new person for the first time (the dreaded reverse dating).  The date is over and it was fun. However, I just can’t stop thinking the “what ifs” from my past encounters.  What if, he missed me?  What if, he changed his mind?  What if, there was a chance…  I find myself standing in the rain on his front porch.  I find myself asking “is there a chance” and I hear the answer that I so feared “no”.  I find myself walking away with no further discussion and no further conversation.  I find myself walking away and knowing that this would be our last conversation….

What have I learned from this?  I have learned that sometimes we don’t ask the question because the answer may result in a loss greater than just a “no”.  I realized that I am not hiding from rejection. I am hiding from the outcome of the answer.  So, I realized that the best answer for me is to make the move forward…don’t look back..and keep swimming.  After all, if I was truly the “prize or trophy”, he would have cashed in by now….

So in Keeping it REAL, there are times when you should step up, step down, or move forward.  However, there are also times when you need to step back and “reflect”. Reflect on the situation and determine if you are truly seeking the correct answer or the appropriate question.  Don’t fear the challenge, but remember…It is only a “challenge” when two parties are willing to compete. If only one person is moving forward…there must be reason that the other is holding their ground… 

When the ground began to move....

The school day ended up being more of an adventure than expected.  At approximately 1:53PM, we experienced our first earthquake.  According to reports, it was a 5.9 but the impact of the incident was much more devastating than expected….

As the ground began to tremble, I immediately assumed my “cubicle mate” was shaking the desk.  I got up and went around the side to inquire as to what he was doing.  At that moment, the vibration became more intense.  To be honest, I had no idea what was going on.  As it continued, I found many thoughts going through my head “are we being attacked again”, “did a plane just crash”, “did something fall on the roof”.  I stopped and looked around and saw a co-worker racing to the hallway saying “it is an earthquake, get out of the building”.  I immediately reached out for my cell phone and headed to the door.

All I could think about as I was exiting the door was “where is the central location and are my children OK”.  I tried calling on my cell and circuits were down or overloaded.  I couldn’t text.  I was at a loss.  Once they confirmed that it was over and rated it at a 5.9, I decided that I needed to get home.  I needed to know that everyone was safe. 

I have to admit it was the longest one hour drive home that I have EVER experienced.  Many thoughts were going through my head.  What if they are scared? What if they are hurt?  What if the road is blocked and I can’t get there?  What if I get pulled over for going 85 mph (ok I finally slowed down)…

I was able to contact my mother and confirmed that all was good (at this point I was 20 minutes from the house).  I asked “should I go pick them up”?  After my mother calmed me down, I decided to let their day play out as normal. 

When they arrived home, they were happy and bursting with excitement from their day.  They talked of running the track to meeting new people.  They talked of their nice teachers to the lunch time conversations.  I stood listening and then finally said “yeah, but what about the earthquake”.  They both looked at me puzzled….

The children had been told that the movement was a result of construction down the road (at the soon to be new High School).  They had no idea that we experienced an earthquake.  As it all sunk in, they began to ask questions about “why, how, and will it happen again”.  We finally settled down and enjoyed a nice dinner and a crazy night full of energy and LOUD conversation.

As I lay down to go to sleep, I couldn’t help but think about the overall experience.  I am unsettled by the decision made to lie to the children about what had just occurred.  When I was in school, we constantly performed “drills” on what to do during an “attack”, “hurricane”, “tornado”, or any other form of devastation.  So why was this practice not performed yesterday?  Why the decision to lie?  What impact will that have on their trust in the school educators and leader? After all, the truth was revealed when they came home.  It was all over the television and couldn’t be avoided.

As most know, I am honest (to a fault).  I will never lie to my children and when asked a question..I answer honestly or choose not to answer at all….  I feel that in this situation the following should have occurred:

• The children should have followed the routine drill of exiting the building
• The children should have been notified that we just experienced a “minor” earthquake
• Teachers should have taken that moment in time to educate on “what is an earthquake”

After all, I am just Keeping it REAL….  We cannot shelter our children from devastation.  We need to educate them on how to prepare, protect, and survive.  We need to teach them about all that life may throw their way and assist them in learning to “stay calm”, “listen for directions”, “respond”.  All of this was taught to me when I was in school and it remains with me through tornado warnings, hurricanes, and now earthquakes….

Let the Schedule Begin…

This summer seemed to fly and that day I dread each year is upon us.  THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!  My children were a ball of energy last night talking of “what if the teacher is mean” or “what if I can’t make friends”.  I on the other hand was thinking “What if I can’t get them to fall asleep at 8PM”. 

I am very lucky in that my mother watches my children for me.  I don’t have the daily struggles of day care or summer camps.  My children get to stay up late and sleep in.  They get the complete summer “break” package.  When school begins, we find ourselves rushing to get homework done, pack lunches, and bath time.  We find a total of one hour of quality time before they are rushed off to bed for a good night’s sleep.  I truly love summer time!

I spent most of the night organizing paperwork (yes, I waited until the last minute), packing lunches, and assisting in the selection of “what to wear on the first day”.  It was complete chaos and both of my children had zero ability to stay focused on the task at hand.  As we finalized the last minute items, we began getting their school supplies together.  I sat and rummaged through their new book bags removing tags and any indication that the item was new.   Then it hit me.  

 

The “smell” of school was cascading out of their supplies and I am not sure if it is the smell of newness or the smell of pencil lead and paper.  It overwhelmed me with memories of the many first days of school for me.  I remember each year thinking “will everyone be nice to me”, “will they be glad to see me”, “will I get good grades”, “and will I get through the day”.  I remember being so excited and yet so sad to see the summer end.   I remembered feeling exactly how they are feeling.

Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and the children were hustling to get in bed for a good night rest before the big day. I tucked them in and reminded them of the great adventures to come….lights out and sweet dreams… I went back down stairs to sit and relax for a bit but found that I too was restless and to be quite honest…lonely.

I went upstairs set my alarm and curled into bed with hopes for a good first day of school.  I must have only been laying there for 15 minutes before I heard the footsteps of a little person and the tap on my shoulder.  It was my son.  He looked at me and said “I am too nervous and can’t sleep”.  I, of course; offered to let him sleep in my bed and he quickly accepted.  As he started to calm down, we chatted about being nervous.  He did most of the talking from “will I always feel this nervous” to “what will I do when I go to College”.  I giggled and told him that he will be glad to say goodbye when he goes to College. I also reassured him that he won’t be sleeping in my bed on the first night.  He laughed and attempted to reassure me that he will always miss me…(yeah, I will remind him of this one).  Before I knew it, he was fast asleep and I was wide awake.  I couldn’t help but watch him sleep.  He seemed so peaceful and happy.  I couldn’t help but think of all that I wish I could protect him from and all I wish I could tell him (and him believe it). 

As luck would have it, I wasn’t able to see them off on the bus, but I was able to get them dressed and ready to go before I left for work.  Both of them were very excited but I still had that feeling of a “rock” sitting in the bottom of my stomach just waiting to explode. I kept reminding myself that my goal in life is to “educate” my children to become the best at what they strive to accomplish.  However, the other responsibility of “protecting” my children kept coming to the forefront.  I am putting my faith in the educators to perform these tasks for 6hours of the day and I have lost control to their destiny.  I am living on faith that the educators will “love”, “protect”, and “educate” my children.  I am no longer the complete package.  There are others working towards my goal too. 

So in Keeping it REAL, take the time to get to know your educators.  Don’t feel intimidated when “speaking up” for your child’s rights.  Be their advocate and be their support as they deal with “personality conflicts”, “bullies”, “homework”, and the pure challenge of getting through the year.    Take one hour a night to talk, laugh, and cry over the day’s activities.  And it doesn’t hurt to share your daily activities to include disappointments.  After all, life is real and they need to know you share the same feelings..

The PERFECT date…for a man!

So over the last several months, I have been meeting different people. I have enjoyed the “social” aspect but have found that meeting a complete stranger can be somewhat awkward. I have read many of the bios and laughed out loud at their idea of a perfect date. I think the missing link here is that what they write is based on “what a woman wants”. I just can’t envision a man really enjoying a “candle lit dinner, a walk in the park holding hands, or a picnic by a lake”. Clearly they are writing exactly “what a woman wants to hear”…or so they think!

So my thoughts today are on “what do men really want to do on a date?” After all, the first encounter is totally awkward, why not make it fun. Right? So I reached out to my FB family and emailed some other friends to see what they really thought. And although not surprised, I found it interesting that under complete confidentiality…the truth came out.

My question was as follows: Describe the perfect first date.. Assume you are already physically attracted to the female (we are past the picture versus reality issue)... If you could select the "first date" based completely on what you would want to do (not to impress the woman)..what would you do, where would you do it, and day/night event. Don't spend any time thinking about it..just go with your "gut" and your first thought

So what do men want? Overall, they all found food to be a requirement. Shocking right? The surprising part was the “type of food”(just joking, I had this one pegged) It appears that men enjoy greasy, sloppy, and paper napkin meals. The meals consisted of barbecue, tacos, buffet (oh my), and fried chicken. The event consisted of sports events such as football game, baseball game, and golf. Others wanted to get more physical and included a motorcycle ride, the shooting range, a movie (commented then I wouldn’t have to talk..nice), and dancing.

The interesting part is when you put all this together; it appears most men like “day activities”. Yet, we constantly find ourselves suffering through an awkward dinner, drinks at a bar, or some other form of evening social. Most of the men agreed that after a “fun” day/event, they prefer finding themselves slumped on the sofa (alone) and recovering from the excitement of the day to probably include over eating.

So I am sure you are wondering, why this question today? I was thinking about all the past dates or adventures that I have been on with men. I have found them to be awkward, uncomfortable, and quite honestly BORING. As I sat the other night with friends and family, it was announced that it was my besties mom and dad’s anniversary. At first, I teased him and said “You brought her to the fair on your anniversary…what did you get her?”. Of course his joking response was “I bought her ticket into the fair”. I found it so funny and at the same time PERFECT. Maybe I am a little odd, but seeing them sit with family and enjoy their time together was “REAL”. After all, it should be about time together and not about “what you get or what you think you deserve”.

I realized that it all begins on the “first date” and if you play your cards right; you will find that every day is a “first date”. It is about finding that person that enjoys the same activities that you do. It is about finding that person that will eat greasy tacos on the first date and still enjoy them after 26 years.

So in Keeping it REAL…. Don’t fall for the candlelit dinner or the dinner for two at the fancy restaurant. Fall for the one who takes you out on an adventure that truly shows you…who they really are! Over time, the “fancy”, “romantic”, and “over the top” dates will become rare. After all, we all want to be sitting on a crowded bleacher, eating ice cream, and socializing with friends and family knowing that we have successfully hit a marriage milestone of 26 years..

Cows, horses, and chickens…Oh MY!

It is the last week of summer for the kids and we have decided to spend it at our local County Fair. Before we left for the events, we sat down to dinner and began to talk about what next week will bring… I started with my feelings of being “sad” that school starts next Tuesday. My daughter instantly chimes in and says she is “excited” and my son ended it with “nervous. We started talking of all the emotions and what was on our minds. Of course both of them agreed that with each new school year brings a new teacher, new classmates, and new requirements/expectations. I think our quick talk was good and the beginning of many more before next Tuesday.

We then quickly cleaned up, brushed our teeth, and headed out to meet friends at the demolition derby. I can definitely say that it was very crowded and you could feel the small town loyalty throughout the events. It was exciting and I am sure it will be a memory that will stay with the children for a lifetime. From the smell of the exhaust to the exploding sound of two cars colliding, my daughter couldn’t sit still and I could hear her constant screams of laughter, excitement, and pure pleasure in watching the competition.

After the competition, we traveled around from barn to barn looking at the cows, chickens, horses, produce and crafts. Everyone seemed focused on taking in every exhibit or creature present at the fair. It was the mad dash to the next location with feathers flying and children giggles throughout. I couldn’t help but step back and watch as everyone ventured through the pig barn. At that moment, I realized there is much more to the fair then what meets the eye.

I watched as parents bent over to explain to their children what they were seeing. I watched as children moved slowly towards the animals to give a quick pat on the head to a goat, sheep, or calf. I watched as children are reunited after having not seen each other all summer. I watched as time slowed down and everyone enjoyed the social time with both their children and other adults..

So in Keeping it REAL, school is almost in session. S-L-O-W the clock down and spend some quality time with your children, friends, and family. I now have built another tradition for my family of three and can’t wait to sit in the stands tonight and build more memories…

Public Restroom Phobia…

On Saturday, we decide to leave the condo around 8am to head back home from the beach.  We began the journey and soon find by 9AM we are all fidgeting and ready to stop for some breakfast.  We stop at a local “Cracker Barrel” (good eats) and were escorted to a nice quiet table. 

Just as I am sitting down in my chair, my son says “I have to go the bathroom”.  I get back up and move towards the front of the restaurant to assist in locating the men’s bathroom.  In he goes while I wait patiently outside the door.  As I wait, I envision the germy environment and his typical boy hygiene habits.  I take deep breaths and only confirm upon his departure that “yes, he washed his hands”. 

We made our way back to the table and finished a wonderful end of vacation breakfast.  Breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon, grits, cheesy hash browns, and lots of juice/coffee.  To be honest, it was way too much food but it was so good that I couldn’t let it go to waste (story I tell every time I overeat). Once we were done, I decided it would be best to take a small walk to get the food digested and the muscles flowing.  As we are walking, my daughter says “I have to go to the bathroom…Number 2”  UGH!

Now, let me first tell you according to the internet, there is an official name for the phobia of public restrooms.  It is lutropublicaphobia.  I am not sure if my fear is truly that of the restroom or the pure fear of the germs and complete filth associated with them.  This moment was going to be a true test to my ability to deal with the complete “germ” package!

I take her hand and off we go into the secret and dreaded room called the “women’s restroom”.  It was a complete mess... Here is what I saw (from a person suffering from lutropublicaphobia):

Trash cans overflowing with dampened papers towels

Fingerprints on the soap dispenser

Engravings on the door reminding me of “who was here before me”

Wet spots on the floor (I really wanna believe it was water)

A Door that would not lock to the bathroom stall

No seat covers for protecting from the missed shots by others before us

The smell…a combination of disinfectant, body odor, and just wetness

I wasn’t sure that I was going to survive and I am sure the look on my face made it difficult for my daughter to concentrate on the task at hand.  However, we got through the ordeal and washed from elbow to finger tip and then evacuated as quickly as we arrived. 

No, my lesson today is not “I can do it” or “I have survived the bathroom drama”.  My lesson is on being prepared.  If you truly hate using public restrooms, you can prevent it and/or make it at least more “clean” and “comfortable”.  My future plan is already under way. 

So in Keeping it REAL, I will always take an empty coffee container with me (the new plastic kind).  It works great for little people in need of a quick #1.  As for those moments that cannot be performed in my handy coffee container, I now carry Clorox wipes with me and flushable seat protectors.  You may think I am crazy, but try it!  Clorox kills almost anything and the confidence in knowing the only hands that touched the seat cover were mine…EVEN BETTER.  Happy Tuesday!

VACATION......

Every year, we have a goal of one week at the beach.   We waited until the last minute, booked a place, and found ourselves venturing to Myrtle Beach, SC for a fun filled week.  Everyone was excited and I found myself leaving all of life’s stresses behind me. 

3 years ago, we started this “family vacation” and each year it seems to get easier.  I reflected on the first year at Myrtle Beach and found myself smiling at their accomplishments.  No bottles, no diapers, no pacifier and no floaters to prevent them from sinking like a rock.  I watched as they busied themselves with shell searching and boogie boarding.  I laughed out loud as my daughter played “you can’t catch me” with the crashing waves (she intentionally lost every time).  It truly has become “stress free” and their “independence” overwhelms me.

Before I knew it, Wednesday was upon us and it was my birthday.  Per tradition, “mommy” gets 2hrs on the beach alone on her special day.  In the past years, it was a welcome event and I looked forward to sitting quietly in the sun for my “alone” time.  I yearned for it each year and it would be my reflection time.  I would sit and just think of nothing but the sun hitting my face and the peaceful sound of the ocean crashing down on the sand before me. 

I got up that morning, got ready to hit the beach, and headed out…ALONE.    This year, my thoughts were different.  I found myself fidgeting and unable to find that “quiet” internal peace that I found in previous years.  I found myself down by the water, digging a hole, and searching for sea shells (like I had done prior days with my children).  I found myself walking out into the ocean to cool off and feeling that I wanted to jump the waves with my son.  I soon found myself walking back to the room to get my two favorite people to join me on the beach! 

So in Keeping it REAL…..Yes, life has changed.  I definitely feel there is a turning point in raising children.  There is a turning point where you find yourself moving from seeing parenting as a “job” or a “responsibility” towards seeing it as a “blessing”.  I am very thankful today for the time we had together last week.  For those that do take a vacation each year, take a moment to reflect on your first vacation with your children. I am SURE you will find yourself smiling, laughing, and amazed at how much parenting has changed over the years.  For those that don’t or can’t, plan a “staycation” event!  Make it a tradition and build memories for your children that will last a lifetime!

Reverse Dating

So contrary to my decision to take a break from dating, I decided to take another stab at the “reverse dating” technique.  I met this really nice man and found our conversations flowed easily and I constantly found myself laughing at everything he said.  Then we decided to meet….

I got off work early and headed to my besties house.  YUP, just like high school!  She did my hair while I did my makeup and attempted to take deep breaths to calm my nerves.  I have to say I was more nervous about this date than any other.  In other dating situations, I usually consumed a drink of “something special” either before or during the dating experience.  I also would find that I would meet someone, have an attraction to them, and then a date would be the result of the first encounter.  In this situation, I had not experienced the “physical attraction” and he had made it clear that he would know in the first 5 minutes if there was an attraction…  UGH!  So in analyzing it, I am referring to it as the new form of dating “reverse dating”. 

Reverse dating is the most difficult form of dating and has become the new trend.  Whether you are scanning pictures on match, zoosk, or eharmony; you are basing your winks, conversations, and decisions on merely a picture. After several of these activities, you finally decide to meet…and then it becomes awkward!

Ok, so maybe it is only awkward for me.  I still find myself stuck in the “old school” way of dating.  Everyone knows that the first impression of me is not the one that lasts a lifetime.  Yes, it sometimes becomes future topic of conversation; but it is not the final on “who I am”.  I find it easier to meet someone, break the ice in conversation, and then move forward.  In this new trend in dating “reverse dating”, I find it VERY easy to converse with the person (after all I find it easier to write my feelings versus saying them) and I do not have to stare at them while doing it. I find myself completely drawn in and attached before ever meeting them.  Then the time comes to meet and I am speechless, withdrawn, and can’t wait for it to be over. 

I can say this was a learning experience.  I now know EXACTLY what I want..  I am not ashamed to finally admit that there is a “look” that I am looking for.  It is not about being cute, sexy, or popular.  It is about being the kind of “man” that I have been waiting for all my life.  It is not describable because it consists of so much more than just his eye color, hair color, and body shape.  It involves how I see me through his eyes.  It is about the “look” and the feeling that I am beautiful to him.

Last night was wierd, but what it brought forward was even more disheartening.  I found myself reflecting back on a past relationship.  The “old school” form of “getting to know you”.  He enjoyed all the same hobbies as me, made me laugh, and gave great advice.  I found that at any given moment, I could lean on him for guidance, a good smack down, or just someone to socialize with. I often question myself on why I think of him and our short time together.  I can only say that our situation was “old school”, although I never saw the look; I wish I did….

So in Keeping it REAL, I think “old fashion” dating is more my style.  I would much rather confirm the "physical attraction"  first and then analyze the “soul”.  Remember, no matter how hard you try to not have “physical attraction” requirements; you will soon find out that “reverse” dating will remind you that you DO!  Happy Friday!