He is going to be 10…UGH!

So as the date creeps closer, I feel that feeling that I have felt only a few times since I became a mother.  The feeling that life is going to change and that my little boy is growing up.  I am not sure why the age of 10 matters so much to me.  Maybe it is because it marks the “double digits”?  Maybe it is because he is at the ½ way point towards being an independent? Maybe I should just face the reality that it also means that I am getting older too…

I was 29 when I had my son (some would consider that late in life).  I remember being so excited when he arrived and thinking “wow, he is all mine”. As he moves forward into the double digits, I am coming to grasp that he is no longer “all mine”.  He is now an individual who likes to spend time with friends, family, and alone playing video games, watching movies, and just doing “boy stuff”.  I find myself getting further and further away from the “he is all mine lifestyle”.

As a single mom, I struggle to understand the “boy” thought process.  So I decided to purchase a book to help in guiding me through the experiences.  It is always good to have a reference guide to parenting.  The book that I selected is called “It's a Boy!: Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18”. It is a great book because it provides examples and real life experiences described by a child psychologist. 

Last night, I found myself seeking out the “what to expect at 10”.  I must say even after taking 4 courses in regards to biology and sexuality, I was not prepared for the overwhelming list of “what to expect up to age 13”.  I actually thought hormones were left for women to use to justify “out of control” behaviors.  I now realize that boys have an overwhelming surge of hormones during the ages of 10-14 and I am so not ready to address them.

As I was digesting the literature that I just completed reading, I realized that I am not and cannot be the mom that I was determined to be in college.  The mom that said I will not reference body parts as anything other than their biological term. I realized that I cannot sit down and openly talk about “how babies are born” or “what is going to happen to their body”.  I realized that it is a lot harder to follow your vision then to have your vision.

I sat last night and contemplated how to manage the age of 10 and above.  I thought of passing the buck to one of my male friends.  I thought of buying a book and making him read it.  I thought of the easy way out….let him learn from friends.  But then I decided to make a list (because we all know I like lists).  I named it “when I am 10”.  I listed his chores, his rules, and most importantly the changes that he should expect. I then looked at the list and realized that it needed to include a letter…

The overall focus of the letter was to explain the list and why everything changes at 10.  I won’t go into all the details but I will share with you some of my opening comments.  I am sure everyone already knows by now the other gory details.  So, here is some of what I wrote:

Today marks your 10^th birthday and I want you to know that I love you will all my heart and have since the day I looked into your eyes and realized that you were “all mine”…..

I know that this is an exciting time for you and I want you to know that I am very proud of who you have become so far.  As you journey into your double digits, there are many things that will change.  All of these changes are normal and life experiences that will prepare you for your journey to manhood.  It may seem overwhelming and sometimes embarrassing.  You may even have moments when you “hate” me, but I will be OK in knowing that you will soon find that love again.  It will not be the same love that we share today, but it will be a love built from respect and appreciation…. 

I want you to know that I will be here every step of the way.. I may not have the answer, but I will help you in your search for it.  I may not understand what you are going through, but I will find someone who does … I may not “like” your behaviors, but please remember I will always “love” your “you”.  Good luck “little man” and enjoy life as you experience it!!!

So in Keeping it REAL, communication comes in many different ways.  If you can’t find the voice to bring it up through a verbal discussion, bring it up through a letter.  Both girls and boys need to understand the changes that they will be facing.  They need to know the facts.  They need to understand what is going to happen and why….  The letter and “list” is just the beginning.  I know that this will open up the doorway for him to ask more questions and express concerns about the many changes.  I hope that in time, we will be having those conversations that I envisioned in my college days.  The conversations that begin with “help” and end with “thank you”….  And to all those other single moms out there…GOOD LUCK…age 10 is just the beginning!