Now I remember what I was thinking……

So last night I decided to have a phone conversation with “deputy”.  We decided on the time of 8:30 (after kids are asleep).  I answered and he was off and running with the conversation.  I was actually surprised how easily he talked.  It was as if he had known me for a long time.  So how was the conversation?

Well, it started out with where he lived, where he grew up, and his career history.  Then he moved into his marriage and the “situation”.  I felt myself curling up and thinking “why do all the men I meet have to have a “victim” story. Now, I realize that I have my “story” and shared it with a few but…I usually wait until I have gotten to know them a little better. 

He talked of playing “dirty pool” and gathering evidence to get what he wanted.  He warned me of “watching what you do on your computer/internet” and said it can all be tracked.  At this point, I piped up and said “I am single so I can do what I want”.  He then continued on speaking of his daughter and her personality.  I believe the words stubborn, strong minded, and tom boy where some of the words he used.

Finally, at a point in the conversation; his daughter interrupted and he asked if he could call me back.   I immediately responded with the fact that I had to get up early and we could maybe continue the conversation on another day. SIGH

Now, my thoughts….What am I doing???  I actually feel somewhat nauseated by the entire dating experiences of this week.  Is there not a man out there that wants to talk about the positives in life?  Is there not a man out there that takes “ownership” for the fact that it took two to fail in the marriage.  I realize that I was married to a “problem”, but I also take ownership that I enhanced the problem with my stubborn, controlling, and determined personality.  I also know that in meeting someone for the first time, this should not be the topic of conversation!

Now, my problem of the day.. How do I get out of this mess?  I now have two people contacting me and I don’t want to be contacted by anyone at this point.  I realize now that my “backyard” life is so much better.  It only entails the drama of whether or not my son really did try to splash my daughter or whether or not the chemicals are good in the pool.  So what should I do?  Blow off the text messages?  Continue to push off the next conversation/date?  Be completely honest and say “this is not for me”?

So I sat last night and reflected on all of this.  I even stopped to say “what have I learned from this”.  I have learned that no matter how tempting those messages are from match, what is behind those messages includes more drama then I care to have at this point.  I realized that my “backyard” is a beautiful oasis and I need to start appreciating it.  I realized that…I have no idea what I really want!

So in Keeping it REAL, if you are truly ready to move on…..Don’t talk about the past when you meet someone that may be a part of your future.  Leave all the “drama” and “heartache” behind and start fresh.  As for me, I learned that sometimes the best gift of all is the gift of not getting what you “think” you want.  As “bestie” said today “you are all over the place in your thoughts”.  Hearing this at 8:04 in the morning reminded me that I truly do not know and it is time to step back, take a deep breath, and ENJOY what life has given me today…my "backyard"....   Happy Thursday