So the long weekend break is over and the sunshine appears to be here to stay. We enjoyed grilling, campfires, and pool time the entire weekend. It is so good to see the kids laughing and having fun with friends. As I sat and enjoyed time socializing with a friend, I pondered on what a co-worker said to me last week. I always struggle when others make a statement and I know deep in my heart it is VERY true.
In our office, we are limited on space so we literally sit very close. On a daily basis, I share my weekly experiences with my co-worker and find myself asking guidance such as “What am I doing wrong” or “Do I look naïve and stupid?” He usually sits and listens, laughs, and then says “where do you meet these people”. This time, it was different.
I gave my full story of the night outing and he instantly decided to give some hard core feedback. He said “I see your future. You are going to get married again and you will be divorced again”. I was shocked! He said “you select people that are at a different economic status then you”. He asked me why I do that… It was a good question and I could only respond with “control”. He then looked at me with a serious and agitated but humorous look and said “you need a checkup from the neck up”. I laughed it off and found myself sharing the story with my friends over the weekend.
However, the more that I told the story; the more nauseated I became about the reality of what he said. I always thought that it was that I felt that I was not “worthy” of the equal economic status relationship. I would often tease that I am to “country” to be with a “suit”. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it might be more of a “control” and/or “power” experience for me. I have been attracted to men that are smarter or make more money, but I never let it go past “attraction”. I never see the potential for a “real” relationship. So is it a power trip? Am I destined to find myself a regular at the lawyer’s office? Should I just commit at this very moment to never make the move towards marriage? Is it possible to be attracted to the “wrong type” of man forever?
On Sunday night, I had the pleasure of “adult” company for the night. I soon found that I was talking about being single and finding my place. I struggle every day with “where do I fit in”. I have some wonderful friends, but I can’t continue to hang out with the “couples” and realize that the 3rd or 5th wheel is not always a comfortable spot. I felt the emotions overwhelm me as I talked of not knowing where to go, what to do, and who I should do it with. I realized I was bitter that my ex was already in a relationship and that I still struggled with just finding me. I was angry that every man that I have met has either been untruthful, married, or not convenient. I was truly hitting the bottom of the pit and was hoping that someone would reach down and pull me out. I continued to wonder if this was “it” and should I just stop trying to find “more”.
So in Keeping it REAL, today is one of those days…. I have no advice and have no solution. In all honesty, I am more lost today then I was 6 months ago. Even in a “good year”, you have bad days and today is one of them. My only thought is that in the search for “me”, sometimes you get lost or take the wrong path. I guess I will give myself a “check up from the neck up”, look forward, and keep moving… Happy Tuesday..
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