Last night was a long night. I drank one too many coffee drinks and found myself up and pacing the floor. When I was younger, I could drink caffeine non-stop and still be able to crash out at bedtime. Maybe I was more active or drank more of the “something special”. Not sure, but my mother says that as you get “older” (that dreaded word); your body changes and you can’t handle the caffeine. So, I have learned my lesson and no more caffeine after 3PM (unless I want to stay up all night). As I paced and lay in bed, I pondered on if I really have found “me”. Do I really know who “me” is?
I am sure we can all relate to what I call the “comfortable” me. I find myself stepping back and reflecting on who I was married versus who I am now. The question I am asking myself now is which one is the most reflective of who I will be in the future? Are the changes that I have made in my life going to stay or will I eventually position myself back into the “old me”? Was the old me a product of those around me or was it a product of “me”? How will I know and how will it impact my ability to have a working and successful relationship in the future?
So in putting the puzzle pieces together, I sat and thought about the “old” me. The one, who worked late, came home, jumped into my jammies, and stayed “homebound”. I often wonder if that was the “happy” me. I remember the first time I met my bestie (she moved into the townhouse next to me). She would come by frequently to check out the place and do some painting before they moved in. She will always tell everyone that she swore I never left my jammies. She was almost convinced that I wore them to work! I even remember one night being mad at the HOA and saying “I am going to confront that mean lady” and my bestie said “Sure, but first change into some clothes”. Honestly, I was a very homebound person. Even before children, I never really could convince my ex to do anything. If we took a trip, it was based on my planning. If we went out to dinner, it was based on my suggestion/encouragement. We were homebound so he could sit back and consume beer and feel free to just vegetate out. I am not saying it was his entire fault, but together we definitely didn’t do much.
As time progressed and we had children, it got worse. I found myself on a complete schedule of work, pickup kid(s), dinner, bath, bed. I even found myself dressing to the “mommy” part. One good friend even attacked me at work and said “yes you are a mother, but you are also a woman”. She threatened on several occasions to turn me into the show “What not to Wear”. Was I slowly falling apart or is that the “comfortable” me?
As for whom I am now; I can only sum it up to “energetic” and ready to conquer any new and challenging adventure. I find myself never being at home. I am always running from here to there with the kids. I have found myself wanting “me” time that involves social gatherings with friends and just “goofing” off time. My mother even said “sometimes it is OK to just stay home”. I just can’t do it! If I do stay home, I am mowing the yard, cleaning the house, or finding some crazy crazy invention idea to do with the kids. What I don’t find myself doing is sitting home in my PJs. I finally got a sofa (thanks to my bio dad) and I probably have sat on it a handful of times. I just want to “go, go, go” and keep seeking out new adventures. I even find myself running to “porch time” at my besties versus sitting at home.
So which is it? Am I just running because I don’t like being alone in the house or am I finally seeking out “life”? I really don’t know. I guess only time will tell what the future holds. I guess in time, I will find out who “me” settles into and then maybe I will meet someone who enjoys the same things as “me”.
So in Keeping it REAL, It is acceptable to not know who “me” is going to be in the future. Just make sure that you are being real about who “me” is in the present. Do I “fear” being stuck in the house? I don’t think so! I think it is more that I “fear” missing out on life. I can’t predict if I will go back to the “old” me, but looking back on her now…I can’t see it happening! If I don’t try new adventures, I will not continue to grow in life. If I don’t grow, I will not live. If I don’t live, I will not love… Happy Hump Day and thoughts are going out strong to my Bestie’s Dad…Love ya!
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