I often wonder if everyone analyzes situations as much as me. I am not sure they do but I can’t comprehend that there are people out there that don’t “reflect” on a situation or experience that has occurred. I often find myself in situations where I react before stopping to think. I then find myself settling down and wishing I had not reacted in the manner that I did. Am I the only one that does this? Is it just women that reflect or are there some women that don’t?
I tend to blame most of my behaviors on my heritage. I am half Italian and half Irish and I believe both have an interesting temper associated with them. I can only imagine how adding German will affect my children and the way they react to things in life. I already see it brewing in both of them.
So here is my dilemma, I find myself being very selfish lately. Maybe it is because I was so unselfish and a provider for so many years during my marriage. I am not sure when has changed, but it seems like I am in a place where “no” is not an answer that I can handle. I react quickly and then regret my actions/decisions once I reflect on the situation. One good friend even got to a point of reacting to things that I am venting about with “keep your mouth shut”. HA HA… I guess I should have asked him before I reacted to this situation.
So here is what happened… I had plans to meet a friend for social time. At the last minute, they realized that they needed to take an online course before the end of the month. My thoughts “couldn’t you have told me that earlier”. I guess with my current situation, I find that my time is valuable and to make arrangements for my children is always a challenge. The decision not to go out didn’t come into play until the last minute. This person even asked me “what would you do if you were me”. My response was “I wouldn’t have waited until the last minute”. I guess that is where I started becoming agitated and then the ups and downs began to occur. As the texting went on and on and I finally got a response of “raincheck”, I was beyond disturbed. I instantly reacted with a nasty note and an implied response that I was writing this person off. Now why did I do that? Was it because I wanted them to come back and apologize? Did I want them to beg for me to not go away? Again, was I looking for a fight to keep the friendship alive? I still don’t fully understand my thought process…but I might have a little insight of what I was thinking…
I think I am still searching for that person that will “fight” for what I have to offer. Not physically…don’t need that drama! But someone, who realizes that they can’t live without my friendship. I know my Bestie would..but sorry Bestie…looking for a little more! Ha Ha It is a childish game and I definitely want out of this behavior but I am not quite sure how to stop it. Is it me testing everyone that I am surrounded by? I am not quite sure, but I definitely find myself searching out and being with those that would not. Is it the challenge of trying to get to that point or do I really not want the companionship that I claim to be seeking?
I guess at this point, you were wondering what my lesson of the day is and what I learned from this? I am not sure there is a lesson. I could say “Keep my mouth shut”. I could say “stop chasing rainbows”. I also could say “Stop searching out the challenges”. However, today I am just going to sit here and miss a friend that I will not chase because of my “ego”. I will reflect and wonder if the friendship was worth it. I will wonder if our paths will cross again and the friendship will be revived. I will wonder what they are thinking. I will wonder if they will “reflect” and miss me. So in Keeping it REAL, my only lesson for today is to stop “wondering”. Happy Friday and to my Bestie…see you on the front porch so we can “release” all our weekly dilemmas and MOVE on…
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