Monday, April 18, 2011

One Day at a Time…..

So this weekend was FULL of yard work and outside cleaning. I definitely feel as though I should have exercised over the winter months because even my hands ache from pushing my very OLD lawn mower.  I will say; overall, the kids behaved and played in the yard with the neighborhood children while I struggled to cut the grass that had grown into a jungle. 
By Saturday, I was ready for a night to myself.  My sister loves having my children, so we packed and off they went for a night of “spoiling” at their Aunts house.  The drop off was easy (since they love it there) and I was off and running to get home to clean the litter box, guinea pig cage, and lizard habitat.  That’s right!  I have too many creatures living under my roof.  I guess it was my way of satisfying my desire for a large family.  My plan was to get all my chores done and then head into town to meet a friend to listen to a band for a few hours. 
After the torrential down pours and tornado warnings, I found it to be time to head in and have some adult social time.  I was a little nervous because I hate walking into a bar alone, but I was relieved to find him waiting outside.  What a great friend! 
We head into the overcrowded bar and grabbed a seat.   He offers to get me a drink and I make my selection and he makes his way to the bar to get it for me.  As I am sitting at the table chatting with his friend, I ask the typical conversation opener “So, how do you now my friend”.  She looks at me very calmly and says “my boyfriend is his AA sponsor”.  I must have given the look because she instantly says “oh wow, you didn’t know”.   My head starts spinning and all I can think is “Oh my gosh, I just sent him off to the bar to get me a glass of something..”. I am glad it took awhile for his return because a million thoughts went through my head in those five minutes. I felt very overwhelmed and had no idea how I was going to handle this situation.  I looked around the table and realized that I was surrounded by people drinking lemonade and water.  Oh JEEZ! 
He soon came back to the table and the conversation started up.  Luckily, he decided to tell me about his situation within the first 10 minutes of the conversation.  He reassured me that my glass of something, did not have any impact on him and he was fine.  He felt that since his drinking was done mostly at home that the bar scene did not impact his ability to stay sober.  After that was out in the open, we talked about work, kids, and his separation. YUP, there are lots of us jumping off the marriage wagon these days.    I only had one glass of something and reverted to my old faithful (cranberry and seltzer water).
Now, I am sure you are wondering why this kept me up that night.  I have referenced on many occasions that I have bad memories and an emotionally distressing marriage.  My ex husband was and is an alcoholic.  I cannot say that it is the only reason our marriage failed, but I can say that I was willing to work out our issues if he was to quit.  I struggled for many years feeling as though the children and I were not placed higher in his priorities.  I knew that when a choice was given, he would either sneak alcohol or choose it over us.  It took SEVERAL counseling sessions and a few smacks from my bestie to realize that it was not me or the kids that could change him.  He needed to see the issue, face the issue, and then get rid of the issue.  He never did.   My friend was in the same boat and continues to fight the battle.  The only difference is “he is winning the battle” (or so he says). 
Now for my guilt…  I felt myself pulling away and feeling like I really couldn’t go through this with anyone again (not even a friend).  I always felt that I was an enabler because I was never strong enough to say “ENOUGH”.  I would cover up for him, turn a cheek to his usage, and just live in silence while he drowned in his own addiction.  As we walked to my car that night, he confirmed that he was aware that that might have been the situation that I lived in.  I said “yes” and confirmed his curiosity.  He then said “I hope you will still be my friend”.  I said “yes”.  But on the drive home, it came over me.  My mind began putting it all together… Now my thoughts… is he sneaking alcohol, why was he in a bar if he has an issue, why does he live where there are bars just downstairs from his apartment, why didn’t he tell me before we met…  YUP, I was putting all my insecurities from my ex on this poor man. He was failing in my mind without even being given the opportunity.   After all, most alcoholics fail at least 7 times before resolving to never touch it again.  Right?
I talked through my thoughts with my two good friends.  They both reminded me that my ex had many other issues and that my new friend should NOT be classified in the same bucket.  I soon found myself reaching out bright and early to remind him that I am there if he finds himself struggling… I had learned a great deal from this experience and one main lesson is that you can be a functioning alcoholic. He is a very intelligent man and I have worked with him for years and had NO IDEA and based on our conversation neither did anyone else.  I also learned that I am still very “raw” when it comes to my situation.  I have a lot to work out in regards to having patience for those with issues and being positive about their success and beating their addiction.
So in Keeping it REAL…  To my new friend:  Tell people about your situation before you meet with them.  It will make the situation more comfortable for everyone and pick your social sites carefully…there will come a day when you want one and temptation comes from exposure.  And the lesson to all those who have lived a life or a time with an alcoholic….  “Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME”.  Don’t turn your back on those who are trying to get better…  35% of alcoholics maintain sobriety after a year while 25% continue to consume. The ODDs are in their favor…  Support them, encourage them, and hope that they will cherish life enough to live it clean and clear!  Monday LOVE to all!

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